Letter Eleven: Self-Control and the Language of the Body
The beauty of our house depends on a “Fruit of the Spirit,” the virtue of self-control. When our sensual appetites control us there is chaos; when we operate from a well-ordered spiritual core, from the inside out through our bodies, there is dignity and power. It is only when we exercise self-control that sex blossoms into true beauty of self-gifting love..
There is a term in Scripture that describes perfectly the opposite of self-mastery, that is, “seeing and taking.” Eve “saw and took” from the forbidden fruit; the fallen angels “saw and took” the fair daughters of men; Shechem “saw and took” Dinah; and David “saw and took” Bathsheba. Every time “seeing and taking” is followed by disastrous consequences.
The technical Latin derived word for this is “concupiscence.” Concupiscence is lust void of the true passion of self-giving love. Concupiscence mars and deforms marriages. On the surface, the “act of love” can be just that, and “act.” It is using our spouses for one’s own pleasure and fulfillment, with little or no genuine giving soul to soul.
Concupiscence is deceitful; telling lies with our bodies. Our bodies were originally built to speak the truth of love, where there is a mutual self-gifting to one another. But after the fall, we tend toward “seeing and taking.” The body is saying one thing (I love you), but the interior is whispering within its own dark chamber something else (I am using you). Sex then becomes a way of controlling the other for our own ends. We must learn to distinguish true body language from false, and this takes much intentional relating between spouses. The goal is to be naked and not be ashamed, that is, transparent; a reversal of the Fall. This takes self-mastery.
When it comes to conjugal love, telling the truth with our bodies is making visible what is invisible. What is invisible to us is the mystery of creation in all its goodness, the joy of the Creator, the hidden secret underlying all beauty. The language of the body is without words but inspires words and metaphors that cannot adequately explain what is being experienced. For an example of this, see the Song of Solomon.
Self-mastery closes the door to concupiscence and opens the door to awe, wonder, and delight in gazing upon the image of God reflected in the feminine and the masculine. Our bodies will speak the truth to each other in our most private moments, pure and holy, and keeps conversation around our family table.
Takeaway
We must commit ourselves to self-mastery, and in the context of these letters, sexual self-mastery.
Discussion Questions
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Is the idea of self-mastery foreign to you?
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How do you respond to the idea of sexual self-mastery?