Letter Thirteen: Temptations in Marriage
My Dear Family,
We sit around our family table with husband and wife at the head. Hopefully, there is harmony and self-sacrificial love as described in our last two letters. If there is not, the Devil, like he did with Eve, makes his way in through discontentment. Eve is Adam’s Garden of Eden, but Adam must cultivate it. Since the fall this is hard work, like cultivating the soil by the sweat of the brow and pulling weeds, weeding out the deadly sins, especially concupiscence. Eve must similarly work cooperatively with Adam to create and maintain a loving, committed relationship.
Men, by nature, tend to be lustful, and it takes full intentionality to gain self-mastery. If he does not, he can very well fall prey to the woman in the “neighborhood.” The man must guard the gate of his soul and the door of his home against the “strange” woman. On the other hand, there is also the danger of “Eve,” the wife and mother of your home, looking out her window at other men. Women tend more to envy, coveting what others have, perhaps not so much to possess those material things and relationships, but rather the happiness they think these things bring. Envy can lead to discontentment that expresses itself by looking at the “other man.”
The reality about sin is that it never makes one happy, ever! The Devil is always promising heaven, but when we fall to his temptations, he delivers hell. We lose a little bit more of ourselves each time, and then we feel the shame of this loss, and he quickly becomes our accuser. But like Lucy and Charlie Brown with the football, Satan gets us to try again, and again, and again. Once we are in this evil cycle, we inevitably fall into boredom. Boredom is the very opposite of the holy, and it is purely satanic. We become bored with our spouses. We then turn to others to fulfill our longing to be satisfied. In our church culture, this usually does not take the form of physical adultery but of pornography. Jesus teaches us that pornography is adultery when He says that for a man to even look upon a woman to lust after her is adultery, a deadly sin. Similarly, for women, it might not be physical adultery, but looking at men in the media, fantasy stories, or, to a rising degree, pornography. (See “Hungry for More?” for a deeper discussion of pornography.)
Self-mastery, more than ever, must be embraced by the men and women of our church. We accomplish self-mastery by recognizing and avoiding the temptations that cause feelings of lust, envy, or boredom, and by developing a healthier, self-sacrificing relationship with our spouse. We can also seek self-mastery through healthy fellowship and friendships outside the marriage that teach, model, support, and keep us accountable. Finally, through regular prayer and fasting, we can enlist Jesus’ help. In and of ourselves we are too weak, but with Christ, we can, and must, do all things.
But more than this, every man and woman must come to the place, no matter what their marriage is like, to reach beyond the things of this world to God. Even in the healthiest marriage, it is important for each spouse to give themselves entirely to God, trusting that God will come alongside us and make a gift of husband to wife and wife to husband. Out of this grows the self-gifting, holy, loving relationship that we all aspire to. There is a beautiful story in Genesis 29 of Leah who was unloved and treated poorly by her husband Jacob. After bearing him four sons without any appreciation, she finally named her fourth son “Judah,” meaning “praise,” saying “I will praise the Lord.” Leah discovered the great secret of life; that God delivers. No earthly possession or relationship can fulfill our deepest longings. If we do not discover Leah’s secret, we will be vulnerable to these temptations. We must all aspire to a profound level of discipleship, or we will find ourselves gazing out our windows for that which cannot ultimately satisfy.
Yours in Christ,
Father John Worgul
Takeaway
Deadly sins deaden our love for our spouses, and lead us to hell. Embracing self-mastery can help us resist and overcome these temptations.
Before going to small groups, ask if they can name the seven deadly sins.
Discussion Questions
- Who is your role model for a healthy marriage?
- What have they taught you that you have applied in your marriage?
- Were you surprised to learn that engaging in pornography is considered adultery?
- What feelings do you imagine a spouse feels when one or both spouses are pulled away from their relationship by a temptation?