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Hungry for More

Letter Eighteen: Divorce and Annulment

Divorce

Since the sexual revolution and the easy availability of contraceptives, the prophecy of St. Pope Paul VI in his Humanae Vitae has come to dreadful fulfillment.  Divorce is now common and, given the percentages, is accepted and oftentimes encouraged.  By degrading “love” to raw passion, we have, as a culture, forgiven ourselves of this sin.  As discussed in our letter this week, the worst thing is to be “trapped” in a marriage where the flames of physical passion have burned low, and in our movies, we cheer on those strange “lovers” who ignite the passions.  Again this type of passion is not love, but a terrible form of domination of the other for our gratification, a result of the Fall, not to mention the destructive sin of betrayal.  

As we know from Scripture, divorce is not a new thing.  The Lord God directly confronts divorce through His prophet Malachi with startling clarity.  The people complain that God seems distant and does not listen to their prayers and ask, why?  In Malachi 2:13-17, the prophet answers,

Because the LORD is witness between you and the wife of your youth with whom you have broken faith, though she is your companion, your covenanted wife.  Did he not make them one, with flesh and spirit? And what does the One require? Godly offspring! You should be on guard, then, for your life, and do not break faith with the wife of your youth.  For I hate divorce, says the LORD, the God of Israel, and the one who covers his garment with violence, says the LORD of hosts. You should be on guard, then, for your life, and you must not break faith. You have wearied the LORD with your words, yet you say, “How have we wearied him?” By saying, “All evildoers are good in the sight of the LORD, And he is pleased with them,” or “Where is the just God?”

The broader context of this text is the larger issue of the Jews profaning “the covenant of their fathers” made with YHWH (Malachi 2:10-12).  There is a direct link between breaking a covenant with God and breaking a covenant with one’s spouse. Both go hand in hand, as we see in our shrinking churches and increasing divorce rates. This underscores the sacramental nature of marriage as a symbol of our union with God, our Divine Spouse.  

YHWH declares that He “hates divorce.” Why? Just above this phrase, He reveals that He is looking for “godly offspring.”  The assumption is that when the parents break the covenant, the children must deal with problems that they were never meant to face: breach of trust, feeling of abandonment, feeling in some way responsible, disillusionment in relationships, etc.  Just below this phrase, “I hate divorce,” is another reason: violence.  The assumption is that with the breakdown of families, there is an increase in anger, which leads to violence.  When the “earth is filled with violence,” YHWH steps in with terrible judgment (cf. Gen 6:11, Ezekiel 8:17). 

All this wearies God because in the sight of this culture, “All evildoers are good in the sight of the LORD, and he is pleased with them…” They have lost their moral compass to the point where they sincerely believe evil is good.  And when God does not conform to their morals, they judge Him (and His Church’s moral teachings) as unjust by asking, “Where is the just God?”

Because God will not break His covenant with us, we cannot break our covenant with our spouse. To do so is to break relationships with God and family, leading to violence and chaos.  

Separation and Annulment

There can be no dissolution of a marriage that is valid and consummated—just as God will never divorce Himself from His Bride, the Church. There is much confusion about divorce and annulments in the Church. After a civil divorce, the Church may investigate the validity of the union and, subsequently, may issue a declaration of nullity. This means that in the eyes of God and the Church, there never was a valid marriage in the first place.  

For sure, when a spouse in the relationship is abused verbally or physically, separation for the sake of well-being and safety is necessary.  The same may hold true for adultery.  The separation need not lead to annulment proceedings but could lead to healing if the Spirit of God is active in the hearts of both, where repentance, forgiveness, and a change of behavior are possible. Seeking healing is especially important when children are involved.  

As for separation, the Catechism teaches:

1649 Yet there are some situations in which living together becomes practically impossible for a variety of reasons. In such cases the Church permits the physical separation of the couple and their living apart. The spouses do not cease to be husband and wife before God and so are not free to contract a new union. In this difficult situation, the best solution would be, if possible, reconciliation. The Christian community is called to help these persons live out their situation in a Christian manner and in fidelity to their marriage bond which remains indissoluble

As we said in the letter for this week, “divorce” is essentially a civil concept, not a theological concept.  The Catechism teaches:

1650 Today there are numerous Catholics in many countries who have recourse to civil divorce and contract new civil unions. In fidelity to the words of Jesus Christ – “Whoever divorces his wife and marries another, commits adultery against her; and if she divorces her husband and marries another, she commits adultery” the Church maintains that a new union cannot be recognized as valid if the first marriage was. If the divorced are remarried civilly, they find themselves in a situation that objectively contravenes God’s law. Consequently, they cannot receive Eucharistic communion if this situation persists. For the same reason, they cannot exercise certain ecclesial responsibilities. Reconciliation through the sacrament of Penance can be granted only to those who have repented for having violated the sign of the covenant and of fidelity to Christ, and who are committed to living in complete continence.

The Church, however, has the power to discern whether there was ever a valid marriage. It does this by specifically assessing the relationship at the time of the exchange of consent. Some questions the Church may ask are:

• Were both spouses free to marry, capable of consenting, and freely give their consent?
• Did both spouses have the intention to marry for life (no matter what might actually happen later)?
• Did both spouses promise to be open to having children?
• Did both spouses intend to be good to each other?
• Did both spouses give their consent to all of those things in the presence of a Church-authorized minister and two witnesses?

What the Church discerns is whether the consent was freely exchanged.  Although the process is formal and “legal” in the sense that it follows canon law, it is compassionate and designed to help people grow from their experiences.  Some believe that it is a way the Church “makes money,” but the truth is that there is no fee, so the Church loses much money on this.  Why does the Church insist on this process? Because marriage is meant to be a lifelong union dissolvable only by death, and for a person to attempt to break the covenant with another is adultery. Those who divorce and remarry (without a declaration of nullity) are in a perpetually adulterous relationship.

Jesus and His Church are clear about the sanctity of marriage and its irrevocable nature, and His teaching may seem harsh and demanding in our present culture, where so many of us have suffered through broken relationships.  Many, for sure, have left the Church in frustration and anger because it just seems too hard and complex to be reconciled.  We, as a church, must be compassionate and pastoral.

1651 Toward Christians who live in this situation, and who often keep the faith and desire to bring up their children in a Christian manner, priests and the whole community must manifest an attentive solicitude, so that they do not consider themselves separated from the Church, in whose life they can and must participate as baptized persons:

They should be encouraged to listen to the Word of God, to attend the Sacrifice of the Mass, to persevere in prayer, to contribute to works of charity and community efforts for justice, to bring up their children in the Christian faith, to cultivate the spirit and practice of penance and thus implore, day by day, God’s grace

Moral Authority

Mt 5:31-32 It was also said, ‘Whoever divorces his wife, let him give her a certificate of divorce’. But I say to you that every one who divorces his wife, except on the ground of unchastity, makes her an adulteress; and whoever marries a divorced woman commits adultery.

Mt 19:3-9 And Pharisees came up to him and tested him by asking, “Is it lawful to divorce one’s wife for any cause?” He answered, “Have you not read that he who made them from the beginning made them male and female, and said, ‘For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one’? So they are no longer two but one. What therefore God has joined together, let no man put asunder.” They said to him, “Why then did Moses command one to give a certificate of divorce, and to put her away?” He said to them, “For your hardness of heart Moses allowed you to divorce your wives, but from the beginning it was not so. And I say to you: whoever divorces his wife, except for unchastity, and marries another, commits adultery; and he who marries a divorced woman, commits adultery.

Lk 16:18 Everyone who divorces his wife and marries another commits adultery, and he who marries a woman divorced from her husband commits adultery.

1 Cor 7:10-13 To the married I give charge, not I but the Lord, that the wife should not separate from her husband (but if she does, let her remain single or else be reconciled to her husband) – and that the husband should not divorce his wife. 

Gen 2: 24 Therefore a man leaves his father and his mother and clings to his wife, and they become one flesh.

Mark 10:9 What therefore God has joined together, let not man put asunder. 

Proverbs 18:22 He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the LORD. 

Catechism References

383 – “God did not create man a solitary being. From the beginning, ‘male and female he created them’ (Gen 1:27) This partnership of man and woman constitutes the first form of communion between persons”. (GS 12 § 4). 

1615 This unequivocal insistence on the indissolubility of the marriage bond may have left some perplexed and could seem to be a demand impossible to realize. However, Jesus has not placed on spouses a burden impossible to bear, or too heavy – heavier than the Law of Moses. By coming to restore the original order of creation disturbed by sin, he himself gives the strength and grace to live marriage in the new dimension of the Reign of God. It is by following Christ, renouncing themselves, and taking up their crosses that spouses will be able to “receive” the original meaning of marriage and live it with the help of Christ. This grace of Christian marriage is a fruit of Christ’s cross, the source of all Christian life.

Vatican Documents

Vatican documents on divorce 

emphasize the indissolubility of marriage while promoting pastoral care, mercy, and integration for divorced and civilly remarried Catholics. Key documents include Pope Francis’ Amoris Laetitia (2016), which encourages discernment of individual situations, and Familiaris Consortio (1981), which outlines traditional stances. 

Key Vatican Documents and Teachings on Divorce

• Amoris Laetitia (The Joy of Love) – Pope Francis (2016): This document marks a shift towards welcoming and less judgmental pastoral care. It emphasizes that divorced and remarried individuals are not excommunicated, should not feel as such, and can find themselves in varying situations that require pastoral discernment rather than rigid classification.
• Familiaris Consortio (On the Family) – Pope John Paul II (1981): Reinforces that while the Church does not recognize divorce, pastors must show love and support for those in irregular situations.
• Reconciliatio et Paenitentia (Reconciliation and Penance) – Pope John Paul II (1984): States that the Church continues to invite divorced and remarried individuals to seek God’s mercy and participate in church life.
• Response to Dubia (2023): Confirmed that Amoris Laetitia encourages priests to accompany the divorced and remarried, helping them understand their situation according to Church teaching and enabling potential pastoral, case-by-case solutions.
• Arcanum Divinae (On Christian Marriage) – Pope Leo XIII (1880): An encyclical that defends the traditional, indissoluble nature of marriage.
• Norms on the Process for the Dissolution of the Marriage Bond (2001): Outlines the strict procedures for obtaining a Church annulment, which is the only recognized way to end a valid marriage. 

 

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Making the Connection

A Real-Life Example

Here we share a story to help people relate to the lessons by example.  It may be a story taken from the internet, the tale of a saint, or an illustration taken from among our own church family.

The Marriage I Always Wanted (Taken from: The Marriage I Always Wanted – Archdiocese of Detroit)

God’s healing power was so much more than I expected. 

There I sat, with our two-month-old daughter strapped in the baby carrier, discussing my rights and options with a divorce attorney, while my parents watched our two-year-old son at their home.

I was on the brink of divorce, fed up with our marriage of seven years. I was through. I was in misery. And I wondered: Where was the marriage that had started out so well? How had things gone so wrong?

I was nineteen when I met my future husband in college. Greg was the life of the party—handsome, entertaining, smart, witty, and very confident. I was taken aback that someone so charming would choose me, but as we grew to love one another, we seemed the perfect pair.

After five years of dating, we were married and living a wonderful life. Greg and I had both attended graduate school, were involved in successful careers, and had purchased our first home. We lived in a fashionable neighborhood and enjoyed traveling. We credited our good fortune to hard work and dedication.

God was somewhere in the background. I went to weekly Mass, and although Greg wasn’t Catholic, he would sometimes accompany me. I prayed at night occasionally, always by myself. There was no real sense of God’s presence in our life together. Yes, we had been married in a Catholic church, but did we believe that God was a present and active partner in our marriage? Not really.

A Terrible Mistake? As the years passed, Greg maintained the party image I had once loved. That image, however, was becoming increasingly unattractive. We argued a lot, especially about how to spend our weekends. I preferred to stay home and watch a movie, whereas Greg preferred to go to a bar with friends.

At first, I figured that the late nights and heavy drinking were just a bad habit. Yet although Greg seemed remorseful at times, his behavior not only continued but increased. I responded by slowly withholding my love and trust. Gradually, we became more and more detached as a couple. With our individual choices moving us in opposite directions, we were living two separate lives under one roof.

In 2003, our first child was born. Certainly, this will change things, I thought. The only change was that Greg’s drinking became even more frequent.

Five years into our marriage, I was fearful that I had made a terrible mistake. I was disgusted with myself for not having seen the drinking for what it was: alcoholism. I felt cheated out of the marriage I always wanted. My parents had set a positive example of a healthy marriage. Why couldn’t I have that, too?

Separately Seeking. Two years later, feeling hopeless and alone after the birth of our second child, I started to consider my options. That’s when I visited the divorce lawyer. Greg and I sought help from a marriage counselor, too; we both realized that our marriage was falling apart and that neither of us knew how to fix it.

I also began reading about alcoholism and talking to people who had experienced its ravaging effects in their own families. I came to see that our marriage, too, had become a casualty of this terrible illness. Finally, after speaking with my parish priest, a counselor, and friends, I made the decision to remove myself and the children from our home and to separate from Greg for an indefinite period.

It was a fruitful, though difficult, time. While separated, each of us sought understanding and healing through various community resources, family, and friends. All of this was instrumental in our individual recoveries from alcoholism and its consequences; it allowed us to gain perspective and acknowledge the roles we each had played in the decline of our relationship.

Still, our marriage was in disarray. How could we put it back together?

An Unexpected Message. Just then, a couple from church offered to meet with us. They too had experienced the painful consequences of alcoholism in their own marriage. But there they sat, smiling and joyful as they shared.

They directed us to the program that had helped them: Retrouvaille, a French word meaning rediscovery. From its Web site, I learned that Retrouvaille provides couples in crisis with the tools for rediscovering a loving relationship and putting their marriage in order again. The program, which consists of a weekend and follow-up sessions, emphasizes “communication between husband and wife.” It provides the opportunity to “examine your lives together in a new and positive way.”

Though it sounded too good to be true, Greg and I took the couple’s advice and signed up for a Retrouvaille weekend. We were both anxious as we arrived. If this didn’t help us, where would we turn?

As the weekend began, the leaders—three couples and a priest— encouraged everyone to “put the past behind and start rediscovering each other.” To be honest, I was determined to remember the past. I wasn’t going to forget or forgive so easily.

Then, during one of the communication exercises, I found myself sitting alone in a room composing a letter to Greg. Suddenly my pen wrote, “I forgive you.” I was stunned. I had never made a conscious decision to write these words. In fact, I supposed it would be years before I would even consider forgiving my husband.

As I finished writing this unexpected declaration, my body began to tremble. Tears flowed from my eyes, and I experienced an indescribable sense of calm. Examining the words I had just written, I was amazed to realize that I truly did believe them. In that moment, I knew I had been touched by the Holy Spirit.

Gone were the despair and hopelessness that had consumed me for so many years. In an instant, God removed the pain of the past. And though I remembered the disappointments, I now saw them as stepping-stones to the deep joy that swept over me. Surprisingly, I actually felt grateful for every one of those distressing events, for they had brought me to this point. Without them, I would never have experienced the healing grace of gratitude.

It’s a Loving Plan. God’s healing grace has brought many beautiful things into our marriage since that weekend. We now pray together every day. Greg has become a Catholic. We work with couples in our parish who are preparing for marriage, and we have counseled married couples who are in crisis. In 2007, we welcomed a third child into our family.

Since that amazing Retrouvaille weekend experience, I have often reflected on the words that turned our marriage around. And I came to understand that the message—“I forgive you”—was not only for Greg: I had been forgiven, too. I had doubted God and written him off. I couldn’t trust that he had a loving plan for my life and marriage.

God was with us, even when Greg and I were not especially present to him. In his mercy, he took what I considered a curse and made it the greatest of blessings. And the despair and hopelessness that once threatened our marriage? It laid the foundation for greater trust and deeper love.

Does God have a loving plan for us all? I don’t doubt it anymore; I only try to follow. I’m so grateful, for it is through God’s plan that I found—and keep finding—the marriage I always wanted.

 

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Further Reading

Additional Reading Materials

Popcak, Gregory K. How to Heal Your Marriage and Nurture Lasting Love: When Divorce Is Not an Option. Manchester, New Hampshire: Sophia Institute Press, 2017.

God has put you and your spouse together for a reason — and it’s not to argue. You are bonded together to cultivate in each other those virtues that lead to sanctification. That’s why this book isn’t just about saving your marriage — it’s about transforming it into a joyful, loving relationship.

In these pages, acclaimed author and psychotherapist Gregory Popcak shows you how to heal the hurt in your marriage and develop the crucial habits necessary to resolve conflicts, renew the love you once had, and discover the passion you always wanted.

Dr. Popcak’s clinical experience and recent research show that the difference between happy and unhappy marriages lays in the habits — both good and bad — that are practiced in the home. Here you’ll discover the simple steps needed to root out behavior that leaves you resentful and demoralized, and to begin practicing positive habits that facilitate mutual respect and cultivate admiration.

Even if you feel lonely and abandoned in your marriage, Dr. Popcak offers sensible ways you can work alone at resolving conflict, repairing damage, building rapport, and maintaining intimacy. Because of the graces given to husbands and wives, you have tremendous untapped power to be a catalyst for change even if your spouse isn’t participating.

Spitzer, Robert J., S.J., PhD. Finding True Happiness. San Francisco, CA: Ignatius Press, 2015.

One of the hottest topics in contemporary culture is happiness—so much so that the United Nations declared an “International Happiness Day” in response to the immense popularity of Pharrell Williams’ song “Happy.” The explanation for this current fixation seems to lie in the contrary phenomenon—unhappiness. Despite the fact that we have tremendous access to every imaginable form of entertainment, we experience a pervading sense of insecurity, emptiness, and malaise amid sporadic peak experiences.

The problem seems to lie less in the external environment than in the internal one. We seem, in the words of Viktor Frankl, to be suffering from an absence of meaning that pervades both individuals and societies, giving rise to a collective emptiness, loneliness, and alienation.

Finding True Happiness is both a philosophical itinerary and a practical guidebook for life’s most important journey—from the mundane and the meaningless to transcendent fulfillment. No other book currently available combines such breadth of practical advice and such depth of philosophical, psychological, and spiritual wisdom.

From the USSCB:

Annulment

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Next Steps

Ready to Take the Next Step?

How can we commit to sexual self-control?  Study, Prayer and Practice!

📖 Study

• Learn about the lives of saints who struggled with difficult marriages, such as St. Monica and St. Rita of Cascia.

  Study the Bible for passages about love, relationships, and marriage. The following website, 73 Bible Verses About Love, Relationships & Marriage, provides numerous passages from both the Old and New Testaments.

💖 Prayer

Two prayers from: Prayer to Heal a Relationship – Saint Michael Center:

Prayers for a troubled marriage: 

Lord Jesus Christ, 

You permit suffering to be a part of every human life, but You will that our afflictions be fruitful and redemptive. 

Help us to receive the trials and sufferings of our married life in a truly Christian spirit: as a way of making up for our sins and of bringing down many graces upon ourselves and others. 

May we, as husband and wife, be present to each other during times of suffering; may we never willingly cause each other to suffer. But grant that we might be strong with the strength of Your love, persevering and growing in our love until death. 

Amen. 

Novena for Reconciliation in Marriage 

    (pray for 9 consecutive days)

Dear Lord, we thank You and praise You for giving us the sacrament of marriage. We ask You to pour the grace of reconciliation into all troubled marriages. 

There are many reasons that marriages can become troubled in our modern society. Sometimes, married couples even try to end their relationship through civil divorce. We know through the teachings of Your Church that the sacramental marriage bond You created cannot be ended through a civil law. But You can bring reconciliation into even such dire cases. 

Please help all marriages that are in need of reconciliation, and we particularly ask today that You pour out the grace of reconciliation for the marriages of all civilly divorced couples. 

Help us to always submit all aspects of our lives to You. Give us the grace to love You above all else. 

And we especially ask in this novena for (mention your intentions here). 

Lord, hear our prayers. 

 

✝️ Practice

The following information comes from the website Fix Your Marriage: 11 Healing Strategies | Eddins Houston

 

Common Causes of Marriage Problems

We are all problematic, one way or another. We, each of us, have flaws, and the person who deals with you the most is likely to address them. Here are some of the most common issues that arise in any relationship:

1. Poor Communication

Lack of good communication is the root of many relationship problems. It doesn’t just hinder building strong relationships; it has the potential to turn a conflict situation into an all-out disaster.

2. Money Disputes

Problems involving money can range from high wedding costs that keep affecting your marriage to keeping up with the Jones’. Being frustrated about earnings compared to others or not sticking to agreements when borrowing from family can turn conversations about money into no-fly zones.

3. Housework Hassles

Living with others may present problems with different opinions about cleanliness and orderliness. One of you may be a lot messier than the other. One may not like making their bed; the other tends to drop clothes everywhere on the floor. Often you may be too tired to handle housework.

4. Fickle Priorities

There always seems to be a tug-of-war about who gets the most attention. You may feel pulled in various directions — your marriage, children, parents, and work. There are all kinds of things that can throw your priorities off balance. Time and attention become a luxury.

5. Lack of Trust

Without trust, you can’t have close relationships. Maybe something happened that makes your partner mistrust you — your decision, your choice of friends, your love for them. Or perhaps unresolved issues from the past prevent you from trusting anyone.

6. Keeping Score

When you’re stressed, it’s easy to think, “why am I the one cleaning up the kitchen right now?” Maybe you’re cleaning the kitchen, but your partner’s schedule makes it easier for him to stop at the store. The most important thing isn’t that you each have the same workload, but you’re both invested in making your relationship work.

7. Expecting Your Partner to Make You Happy

Long-term, committed relationships are so wonderful partly because of the joy that intimacy brings into your life. Even though it’s important to be happy in your relationship, if you’re not happy with yourself, to begin with, another person can’t make you happy.

8. Making Promises You Can’t Keep

You truly want your spouse to feel happy and supported. It makes sense that you might make promises about upcoming vacations or spending time with your in-laws; however, promises can cause problems in your marriage if they’re promises you can’t keep.

9. Expect Your Partner to Change

Sometimes, the things you first thought were endearing about your partner bother you when you depend on them daily. Maybe you start to think about all the ways you’ve changed, but to you, your partner doesn’t seem to be maturing.

10. Expecting Your Partner to Read Your Mind

When you’re both busy juggling work and family, it’s easy to feel like you’re on the same page when you might not be. Maybe you drop the kids off at school, believing it’s implied that your spouse will take the dogs for a walk. If the dogs are still itching to go outside later on in the day, you might start to feel angry.

Relationships are beautiful, but they are not without their problems. Once you have identified what issues may be ailing your relationship, it will be much easier to distinguish what steps to take next.

Five Daily Habits for Maintaining a Healthy Marriage

Every day is an opportunity to participate in your relationship actively. Perhaps you have a good thing going, but you could use a bit of a refresher. Here are 5 therapist approved tips to help you maintain a happy and healthy relationship:

1. Show Appreciation

After years of living together, you find comfort in familiarities and routines. It’s natural and, to some degree, healthy. But they can be dangerous.  Show your appreciation for the comforts you enjoy by adding a little extra passion and appreciation to your routines.

2. Give and Take

As time goes on, some things that used to be easy for you and your loved one to accomplish will become more difficult. Make your loved one’s life a little easier by being a good partner. Lend a hand if you can. By the time you have been married for years, the idea of finding a balance between giving and taking seems to be an old habit. But as you get older, you may find that what’s important to give and take gradually changes. You may need to learn to apply the idea differently. Put some action behind your words.

Talk without action may not be enough to save your marriage. Particularly when your relationship has suffered from infidelity or other deep rifts, talk can seem cheap. Back up your intention to save your marriage with concrete actions. Spend time with your spouse, pursuing their interests even if the activity isn’t your personal favorite. Maybe your spouse is a big sports fan and would love a day at a baseball game. Or your spouse loves the excitement of bustling, thriving neighborhoods, and would love to have dinner at a special restaurant. Love is not just words, but sacrifice. Think of different ways you can express your desire to sacrifice for your spouse.

3. Maintain Your Own Life

Some couples are inseparable and happily so. More often, though, maintaining happiness involves enjoying a life of your own. Maintain your own relationships with friends. Engage in your own hobbies and past-times. Be social on your own terms, not always as a couple. It’s one marriage of two people. Also, your spouse looks at you more than you look at yourself, probably. Your appearance may not be all that important to you, and that’s fine, but a little effort once in a while can go a long way.

4. Natural Disagreements and Challenges

Who wants to be married to a wet rag? Resolve to fight fair. Having a marriage in which you never fight may sound good, but it’s not realistic. It’s not even a good goal since facing and resolving disagreements can bring you closer together. But you owe it to yourself and your spouse to agree to fight fair. That means not bringing up the time he lost a job five years ago or the way she tells her annoying family too much. Keep your arguments focused on facts based on the present or very recent past. Similarly, if you’ve already decided that you’re committed to working to fix your broken marriage no matter what, resolve not to bring up the “D” word (divorce). Threatening divorce—even if your marriage feels really hopeless at that moment—introduces an element of doubt and instability into your marriage. If you’re really determined not to get divorced, don’t let yourself even go there. You don’t have to agree about everything, always, and having disagreements at times is healthy. It shows you’re still alive and that you are still your own person.

5. Mind the Small Things

Sure, some routines may have developed over the years. Maybe they have made you coffee every morning for years, or they shovel the sidewalk and mow the lawn. Practice good manners. Say “please” and “thank you”—every time. As you have likely learned, small things add up. Paying attention to the small things adds up, too. Attending the small things shows you care.

 Invite God Into Your Lives

Pray together: Inviting God into the relationship shifts the conflict to a shared struggle against the problem. Pray the rosary together, or pray a novena for the health of your marriage.

Seek wisdom: Ask for guidance and see your spouse through a spiritual lens. Read the Bible together to seek answers to your questions. Attend Bible study classes at church together. It is amazing to learn about the troubles that individuals and married couples in the Bible encountered and the strength of faith in God that was demonstrated by these historical figures. 

Seek Help: The Archdiocese of Baltimore provides a listing of marriage enrichment resources. To find out more about the program listed in the Making the Connection story for this letter, visit the Retrouvaille Marriage Program website. Retrouvaille was started as a Catholic ministry designed to help couples address their difficulties in a Christ-centered, Christian-based format. Retrouvaille is a peer ministry—that is: couples who have been through crises leading them to the brink of divorce are the ones who run the program. Experience has shown that couples who “have been there” themselves provide those still struggling with real hope and determination that they too can repair their seemingly hopeless marriage.

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