Quick Links: Letter, Hungry for More, Moral Authority, Making the Connection, Further Reading, Next Steps
Hungry for More: Letter Fourteen
There is no doubt that there are two forces in conflict with regard to women and their identity. First, there is the secular world that is in itself confused about what even a woman is. Feminism since the 1960s sexual revolution strove in every way to be equal with men, and fell into the trap of “becoming” man-like, losing a clear sense of feminine identity. Along with this, given the work of Margaret Mead and other secular anthropologists and psychologists, the distinction was made between gender and biology, opening the door to gender dysphoria and the present day smorgasbord of gender identifications. This begs the question, what is a woman?
The second force in conflict with women’s identity is the internet. However sincere secular feminism is in gaining equality with the masculine, it has failed. If nothing else, it cannot defeat the internet, 30% of which is pure porn, where women are objectified and abused, crushing both men and women underneath its weight. The secular world, ruled by money, cannot do anything about this.
The following paragraphs were written by my daughter Abigail Worgul for her dissertation in Classical Studies at the University of Pennsylvania.
The offer to women to embrace sexuality without consequences has led to a version of female sexualization that reduces the female genius to only one of her many colors. Female sexuality is a beautiful, unique gift that brings life and energy into the world. But shouting women’s sexual liberation from the rooftops has led to the exposure of women’s bodies to society with two regretful consequences. First, women are pressured into feeling like their bodies must match the standards set by the fashion industry: if a piece of clothing doesn’t fit or flatter you like it does the petite model at Target, something is wrong with your body. The tragedy of this is that women are diverted from nurturing their innate gifts for creativity and compassion by constant preoccupation with looking for problems in themselves.
Second, it crams the natural development of femininity into one of her four main stages. Over a woman’s lifespan, she experiences the four stages of Girlhood, Maidenhood, Motherhood, and Matronhood. This second stage of Maidenhood is a beautiful one that initiates her into her sexuality, which is one mode by which she can bring energy and life into the world. But by putting the Maiden on the pedestal, the culture freezes women in this second stage, even when their chronological age or phase of life no longer suits this stage. This plagues women who ought to be enjoying the life that the third and fourth stages bring with anxiety about how to retrace their steps to get back to the Maiden stage. The culture wants women to be inert and even regress, not to flower.
Going deeper into this problem are contraceptives. The lie about contraceptives is that they free up women to experience sex freely “like men” with no consequences. This very offer, however, is androcentric. Male and female psychologies align with their respective physiologies. This means that, generally speaking, while men can engage in sex without a need for commitment, women yearn for the safe place of commitment for this engagement. This does not reflect an innate weakness in their gender, but a clever instinctual strategy that ensures that a man will be there to provide for the potential offspring. Giving a woman contraception may block a woman’s biological fertility, but her soul is left empty and grasping.
I value Abigail’s contribution here as a millennial woman in her 20s who has had to wrestle with her femininity in an academic culture that is radically feminist.
As for contraceptives, the catechism teaches:
2370 Periodic continence, that is, the methods of birth regulation based on self-observation and the use of infertile periods, is in conformity with the objective criteria of morality. These methods respect the bodies of the spouses, encourage tenderness between them, and favor the education of an authentic freedom. In contrast, “every action which, whether in anticipation of the conjugal act, or in its accomplishment, or in the development of its natural consequences, proposes, whether as an end or as a means, to render procreation impossible” is intrinsically evil:
Thus the innate language that expresses the total reciprocal self-giving of husband and wife is overlaid, through contraception, by an objectively contradictory language, namely, that of not giving oneself totally to the other. This leads not only to a positive refusal to be open to life but also to a falsification of the inner truth of conjugal love, which is called upon to give itself in personal totality. . . . The difference, both anthropological and moral, between contraception and recourse to the rhythm of the cycle . . . involves in the final analysis two irreconcilable concepts of the human person and of human sexuality.
Moreover, any means of bringing children into this world artificially are morally unacceptable, as the catechism teaches:
2376 Techniques that entail the dissociation of husband and wife, by the intrusion of a person other than the couple (donation of sperm or ovum, surrogate uterus), are gravely immoral. These techniques (heterologous artificial insemination and fertilization) infringe the child’s right to be born of a father and mother known to him and bound to each other by marriage. They betray the spouses’ “right to become a father and a mother only through each other.”
2377 Techniques involving only the married couple (homologous artificial insemination and fertilization) are perhaps less reprehensible, yet remain morally unacceptable. They dissociate the sexual act from the procreative act. The act which brings the child into existence is no longer an act by which two persons give themselves to one another, but one that “entrusts the life and identity of the embryo into the power of doctors and biologists and establishes the domination of technology over the origin and destiny of the human person. Such a relationship of domination is in itself contrary to the dignity and equality that must be common to parents and children.” “Under the moral aspect procreation is deprived of its proper perfection when it is not willed as the fruit of the conjugal act, that is to say, of the specific act of the spouses’ union . . . . Only respect for the link between the meanings of the conjugal act and respect for the unity of the human being make possible procreation in conformity with the dignity of the person.”
All this certainly seems daunting in the context of our contemporary culture that simply cannot grasp the moral and spiritual significance of the human body, but only the scientific manipulation and control of the human body. We keep going back to Jesus’ high calling of discipleship. We are not autonomous entities carving out our own lives in our own way, but use our freedom to self-gift ourselves to God and our spouses, trusting that God walks with us each step of the way.
The Church and Eve
One of the many radical things about Jesus and His Gospel is how He related to women in a heavily patriarchal society. We are so used to reading about the many women in Jesus’ life that we miss how strange and unusual these relationships were for His times, where women were sequestered in the back of homes, separated at the Synagogue and Temple, and simply did not talk to men when out and about. As God, Jesus had an intuitive grasp of the feminine. Moreover, as masculine as Jesus was, there is not a hint of “machoism” in Him. He was as comfortable around women as He was with men, and both men and women were very comfortable around Him.
What we see in Jesus springs from His mother Mary, the epitome of the feminine as the “New Eve.” To be “Theotokos” (Mother of God) she first was made immaculate in her conception. She was both sinless and perfection of womanhood. It was her privilege to have the most intimate relationship with Jesus as mother with son, a sacred bond. Jesus is the Wisdom of God, and in her lap Jesus was nursed and raised. She is therefore called Sedet Sapientiae, the Seat of Wisdom, among many titles such as “Queen of Heaven.” These titles were not given to her at the time, but over time as the Church reflected on the magnitude of her personhood and role.
The greatest saint in the Church, therefore, is Mary. She is not “dead” and remote, but was assumed into heaven where she is Queen Regent with Christ the King Her son. The feminine is at the heart of the created order and Mother of the Church. This is completely different from the earth-goddesses of the pagan world, female deities invoked by magic and often through sex. In pagan religions, women were seen as magical because of their reproductive powers and functioned as priestesses, and in many cases, dominated men. Mary, in contrast, is the bright side of the feminine.
From the very beginning of the Church, it was a new dawn for women. St. Paul, often misunderstood as a misogynist, radically declared, “There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither slave nor free, there is neither male nor female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus” (Galatians 3:28). Most assuredly he was not promoting an egalitarian model in the modern western sense where all differences are abolished. Rather, he is speaking of what it means to be included in God’s Kingdom, the Church.
Given how prominent women were in the Church from the very beginning, it stands to reason that Jesus could very well have included women into His group of 12 disciples, thus opening the way for women clergy. He didn’t because of the sacramental structure and fabric of the Church. Priests stand in the place of Christ sacramentally (in persona Christi capita) as bridegroom of the Church His Bride. Having female priests would involve gender confusion. As we have seen, radical feminism has contributed to the confusion around gender.
The elevation of women in the Church, as well as the role of her Mother Mary, no doubt provided a context for what we have to say is the unique ideal of chivalry. Chivalry developed in the middle ages and flourished at the time of the crusades, and has left its mark on western society. Knights were devoted to their ladies in a pure and spiritual sense, protecting their honor, thus paving the way for men to serve and respect women. Most radical feminists scoff at this idea, rejecting it as perpetuating inequality of women who are depicted as weak and needy of the “strong” male. In contrast to chivalry, sit-coms from the 1970s on, do all they can to portray men as weaklings and women as their superiors.
The secular world, in spite of the feminist movement, is not a safe place for women. The Church, as the Body of Christ, is a safe haven for the feminine genius to grow and thrive and become everything it was meant to be. Here in the Church we see that the feminine is, in fact, the crown of creation, as Eve was at the beginning, and Mary is now. Where else do we see such a prominence of women saints and doctors of spiritual theology as in the Church? How many saintly men in the Church are saintly because of their saintly mothers?
Moral Authority
Scripture References
Gen 1:27-28 So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them. And God blessed them, and God said to them, “Be fruitful and multiply, and fill the earth and subdue it…”
Gen 2:23 Then the man said, “This at last is bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man.”
1Cor 11:7 For a man ought not to cover his head, since he is the image and glory of God; but woman is the glory of man
1Cor 11:11 (Nevertheless, in the Lord woman is not independent of man nor man of woman; for a woman was made from man, so man is now born of woman. And all things are from God.)
Vatican Documents
2370 Periodic continence, that is, the methods of birth regulation based on self- observation and the use of infertile periods, is in conformity with the objective criteria of morality. These methods respect the bodies of the spouses, encourage tenderness between them, and favor the education of an authentic freedom. In contrast, “every action which, whether in anticipation of the conjugal act, or in its accomplishment, or in the development of its natural consequences, proposes, whether as an end or as a means, to render procreation impossible” is intrinsically evil:
Thus the innate language that expresses the total reciprocal self-giving of husband and wife is overlaid, through contraception, by an objectively contradictory language, namely, that of not giving oneself totally to the other. This leads not only to a positive refusal to be open to life but also to a falsification of the inner truth of conjugal love, which is called upon to give itself in personal totality…. The difference, both anthropological and moral, between contraception and recourse to the rhythm of the cycle . . . involves in the final analysis two irreconcilable concepts of the human person and of human sexuality.
2376 Techniques that entail the dissociation of husband and wife, by the intrusion of a person other than the couple (donation of sperm or ovum, surrogate uterus), are gravely immoral. These techniques (heterologous artificial insemination and fertilization) infringe the child’s right to be born of a father and mother known to him and bound to each other by marriage. They betray the spouses’ “right to become a father and a mother only through each other.”
2377 Techniques involving only the married couple (homologous artificial insemination and fertilization) are perhaps less reprehensible, yet remain morally unacceptable. They dissociate the sexual act from the procreative act. The act which brings the child into existence is no longer an act by which two persons give themselves to one another, but one that “entrusts the life and identity of the embryo into the power of doctors and biologists and establishes the domination of technology over the origin and destiny of the human person. Such a relationship of domination is in itself contrary to the dignity and equality that must be common to parents and children.” “Under the moral aspect procreation is deprived of its proper perfection when it is not willed as the fruit of the conjugal act, that is to say, of the specific act of the spouses’ union …. Only respect for the link between the meanings of the conjugal act and respect for the unity of the human being make possible procreation in conformity with the dignity of the person.”
Vatican Documents
Paul VI, Pope . Of Human Life. Boston, MA: Pauline Books and Media, 1968. Encyclical Letter of Paul VI.
Pope Paul VI wrote this encyclical letter on the regulation of birth in response to many suggesting and advising him that the Catholic Church should change its stance on birth control. He convened a commission to thoroughly examine the issues. After extensive and prayerful consideration, the position of the Church remains unchanged. This letter provides a detailed and cogent rationale for the Pope’s decision.
Mulieris Dignitatem
John Paul II, Pope. Mulieris Dignitatem: Apostolic Letter of the Supreme Pontiff Pope John Paul II on the Dignity of Women on the Occasion of the Marian Year. Boston, Massachusetts: Pauline Books & Media, 1988.
This apostolic letter “…affirms the equal dignity and value of women as part of the image of God, while also exploring the concept of complementarity between men and women through their distinct, unique roles. The letter emphasizes women’s vocation to love and spiritual motherhood, highlighting the example of Mary and Jesus’ interactions with women as a model for restoring human dignity compromised by sin. It calls for mutual submission in marriage, rejecting domination, and encourages women to recognize their “feminine genius” through their unique receptivity, sensitivity, and capacity for motherhood, whether physical or spiritual.”
II, Pope John Paul. Letter of Pope John Paul II to Women. Fourth World Congress on Women, Beijing. Boston, MA: Pauline Books & Media, 1995.
This letter was written as a sign of gratitude and solidarity with women by Pope John Paul II. He begins by saying that he wants to speak directly to every woman, to reflect with her on the problems and the prospects of what it means to be a woman in our time.
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Making the Connection
A Real-Life Example
While many are familiar with the 1960s sexual revolution mentioned in Father John’s letter, few realize it was actually history’s second major shift in sexual norms. The following story argues for a return to the “first sexual revolution,” which took place during the Greco-Roman era. In that period, early Christians transformed a culture where sexual expression was a chaotic byproduct of social status into one that honored the sacredness of the act. By replacing rampant immorality with a focused, “austere” morality, they established that sexual desire finds its true fulfillment exclusively within the bond of marriage.
Real-Life Example
Journalist and female rights campaigner Louise Perry may seem a surprising advocate for the historic value of Christian sexual morality. She was raised in an agnostic environment and had imbibed the same progressive outlook as most of her peers on sex and relationships.
However, the experience of working in a rape crisis center began to change her perspective. In 2021 she published an unexpected bestseller, The Case Against the Sexual Revolution – a spirited critique of the porn-saturated, hyper-sexualized, hookup culture of the modern world.
But Perry did not write the book from a Christian perspective. The arguments in her book for why the sexual revolution has been bad for women are all made from a purely socio-evolutionary perspective. Yet almost to her own surprise, she found that what she was arguing for looks a lot like the historic Christian conception of monogamous marriage and chastity.
Perry says: “We have a deep intuitive feeling that sex is special for some reason. It may be that it has evolved in us for some reason. Regardless, that’s how human beings feel about it. And if you go around trying to pretend otherwise, you will generally make yourself miserable and other people miserable. There are some women for whom they really can enjoy casual sex like that, who can ‘have sex like a man’ (that’s the expression used in Sex in the City). But the vast majority of women actually don’t feel like that. What they will normally end up feeling is deep instinctive feelings of discomfort and distress which are very difficult to articulate.”
Perry says that focusing on freedom and consent in sexual relationships and unmooring them from the Christian commitment to lifelong monogamy on the part of both men and women has overall worked against women’s interests.
“Freedom for the pike is death for the minnow. If you push the freedom lever some people will benefit from that. But the people who benefit from that are usually going to be those who are already in the strongest position to begin with and able to take advantage of these new opportunities that freedom brings with it.”
Louise Perry has come to realize that there have in fact been two sexual revolutions. The revolution of the 20th century saw technology such as the pill, break the link between sex and childbirth, while changing social mores did away with the requirement for monogamy and marriage.
However, for all its advantages in breaking some of the stigma and shame around women’s sexuality, Perry says that the consequent enormous rise of the porn industry, the commodification and de-personalized nature of sex, and the subsequent rise of the surrogacy industry has also come at a huge cost for women, men and children. She has increasingly been arguing that we need a return to the first sexual revolution – when Christians changed the Greco-Roman culture, insisting that sex was not just about recreation or the powerful exploiting the weak – but was something sacred that required mutual consent, love and faithfulness and was aimed at raising children within a family unit.
Says Perry, “The idea that a slave woman’s sexual violation is abhorrent – that’s an idea that comes from Christianity and was absolutely not universally recognized in the ancient world of many other cultures. I really do think that feminism comes out of Christianity and it is completely reliant on Christian moral principles.”
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The above information was taken from an article written in January 31, 2024. You can find the full article here: Louise Perry changed her mind on the sexual revolution… is God next?R
Further Reading
Additional Reading Materials
Cathey, Alexandra Richards. Unlocking the Feminine Genius with Edith Stein. Middletown, DE, 2017. A Master’s Thesis.
“Women have a great mission in the world. They are called to maternally embrace and heal humanity through spiritual motherhood. This book looks at why and how women need to prepare their hearts for this great mission through emotional formation.”
Stein, Edith. Essays on Woman: Volume Two. Translated by Freda Mary Oben Ph.D. 2nd ed. Washington, D.C.: Institute of Carmelite Studies Publications, 2017.
This book contains seven essays by Edith Stein (Teresa Benedicta of the Cross) detailing her teachings on the challenges and opportunities of being female in the political, religious, and cultural context in which she lived and worked.
von Hildebrand, Alice. The Privilege of Being a Woman. Ave Maria, Florida: Sapientia Press of Ave Maria University, 2002.
“Women historically have been denigrated as lower than men or viewed as privileged. Dr. Alice von Hildebrand characterizes the difference between such views as based on whether man’s vision is secularistic or steeped in the supernatural. Arguing the superiority of men in strength, power, success, and creativity through the ages, she shows that feminism’s attempts to gain equality with men by imitation of men is unnatural, foolish, destructive and self-defeating. With beauty and erudition she elaborates the privilege women have in being naturally more capable of human concerns, self-gift, sensitivity, dignity, loveliness, heroic sacrifice, and a great ability to awaken what is best in men through their very weakness and tenderness.”
Gress, Carrie. The Anti-Mary Exposed: Rescuing the Culture from Toxic Femininity. Charlotte, North Carolina: Tan Books, 2019.
“This inspired, monumental text is foundational for the proper restoration of authentic feminine beauty, dignity, and fulfillment through and with the Spiritual Mother of all peoples.” – Mark Miraville, St. John Paul II Professor of Marilology, Franciscan University of Steubenville
“The Anti-Mary Exposed accurately captures and describes the multi-faceted and diabolical attacks on woman especially within her feminine, maternal and nuptial identities. This is a fantastic book from a heart overflowing with love and devotion for the Blessed Virgin Mary…an excellent read and I highly recommend it!” – Obianuju Ekeocha, International Human Rights activist and author of Target Africa: Ideological Neo-colonialism of the Twenty-first Century
Gress, Carrie. The End of Woman: How Smashing the Patriarchy Has Destroyed Us. Washington D.C.: Regnery Publishing, 2023.
“Feminism doesn’t empower women, it erases them.” “Only a rediscovery of true womanhood-and motherhood-can pull our society back from the brink. And happiness is possible only if women are open to making peace with men, with children, with God, and -no less difficult—with themselves. For feminism’s victims, Gress is a welcoming voice in the darkness: The door is open. The lights are on. Come home”
Paul VI, Pope . Of Human Life. Boston, MA: Pauline Books and Media, 1968. Encyclical Letter of Paul VI.
Pope Paul VI wrote this encyclical letter on the regulation of birth in response to many suggesting and advising him that the Catholic Church should change its stance on birth control. He convened a commission to thoroughly examine the issues. After extensive and prayerful consideration, the position of the Church remains unchanged. This letter provides a detailed and cogent rationale for the Pope’s decision.
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Next Steps
Ready to Take the Next Step?
How can we commit to sexual self-control? Study, Prayer and Practice!
📖 Study
Increase your understanding of the Church’s teaching on the divinely-inspired feminine. Begin by reflecting on the second chapter of Genesis.
💖 Prayer
Father, thank You for creating us in Your image, male and female. Help me to see my worth not as the world sees it, but in Your divine design. Help me to recognize and appreciate the qualities of my spouse that also reflect your divine design. Further, may I do all that I can to affirm my spouse to be the person you created them to be. May my life reflect Your beauty and purpose, and may I experience the wonder of walking with You. Amen
✝️ Practice
Ongoing sociological research confirms that society goes by way of marriage. So, if we want a strong, moral, virtuous society the Church needs to be renewed; and if the Church is to be renewed, the domestic church (the family) needs to be restored; and if the family is to be restored, marriage needs to be revitalized; and for that to happen, the husband is to become like St. Joseph and Jesus Christ, the two most faithful, sacrificial and heroic bridegrooms in the history of the world.
For men, this means loving and affirming their wives. For women, this means respecting their husbands. Here are very practical ways to do both:
For women:
From: 9 Ways to Show Respect to Your Husband – Radiant Marriage
Wives are called to respect their husbands, but what does this actually mean?
Let’s start with what it doesn’t mean: Wives are not called to feel respect for their husbands. It doesn’t really matter what a wife “feels,” The truth is that wives won’t always feel respect, but they are still called to be respectful. This doesn’t mean being a doormat or being passive to your husband’s sin, but it does mean that wives should do their best to treat their husbands in a way that honors God. (Romans 12:18)
“However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.”
– Ephesians 5:33
This isn’t a tit-for-tat situation. God doesn’t say, “treat him with respect only when it’s easy or when you feel like it.” No. And let’s be honest, when it’s easy, wives want to show their husbands respect. But God commands wives to show respect to their husbands, no matter how frustrated they are with them at any given moment.
Respect is an action done out of obedience to the Lord.
A wife’s respect for her husband will build trust and love into their marriage. Active respect is what will encourage husband[s] to embrace their God-given calling as the leader of their home. But how do wives actively respect their spouse?
- Watch what you say.
Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone.
– Colossians 4:6
Wives, watch the words you say to and about your husbands. Think before you speak. Our words need to edify him and build him up.
- Let him know when he has done something well.
Husbands need to hear when they have done something well. They need to know that their wives notice them and the steps they are taking.
- Say “Thank you”.
These two little words mean SO much. This says “I see you” and “I appreciate you”.
- Recognize that he isn’t perfect.
There may be times when wives don’t agree with a decision or direction…and there will be times that you were right. Don’t rub this in his face. Choose grace and humility.
- Watch your non-verbal language.
Did you know that non-verbal language makes up about 93% of our communication? A wife’s tone of voice and body language are huge indicators of their respect level. Do you roll your eyes? Do you cross your arms? Do you look away when your husband is trying to talk with you?
- Seek to understand.
Don’t assume the worst. Assume the best and seek to understand your husband’s heart. Rather than seeking to be understood, wives need to truly hear where your spouse is coming from. It’s often a much better spot than you think.
- Be trustworthy.
While this needs to be in all areas, it is especially true about finances. If a wife is hiding purchases from her husband, how can her husband feel respected? If a wife is willing to be deceptive in this (or any) area, how can her husband trust her?
- Pray for your husband.
Pray for his heart and for his mind. Pray that God would protect him and cultivate a man who loves the Lord and is obedient. God is the only one who can transform our hearts and we need to trust that God is in control. Praying for our husbands recognizes that we are not in the driver’s seat, God is.
- Have a gentle spirit.
“Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes. Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight.”
– 1 Peter 3:3-4
Cloak yourselves with gentleness, grace, and humility. This is what will speak to your husband’s heart.
“Gentle spirit” here doesn’t mean being weak, but it does mean a spirit filled with humility and love.
For men:
The following is taken from: Over 20 Ways to Affirm Your Wife Emotionally, Spiritually and Practically – Fathers of St. Joseph
Begin Slow. Be Intentional.
God has designed marriage as the foundational relationship in which we can grow in self-knowledge by means of self-giving.
God has designed marriage, specifically your marriage, to be your path to heaven.
Don’t attempt to implement all these practices at once.
You will exhaust yourself and perhaps crush your wife.
Each week begin to implement one, perhaps two of these practices.
Don’t tell your wife what you are doing. Just do it…
Be intentional.
Your marriage is the most important relationship you have.
Show her that she is the most important person in your world.
- Pray for Your Wife Daily
As part of your daily morning prayer, pray for God’s blessing upon your wife. Pray that you may love her as Christ, the Divine Bridegroom, loves and sacrifices Himself for His Bride, the Church. - Ask God to See Your Wife’s Beauty Anew
Often, as the years pass, a husband can begin to fail to perceive his wife’s emotional, intellectual, spiritual, and physical beauty. Therefore, pray daily that Our Lord Jesus, the Divine Bridegroom, will allow you the vision to perceive anew your wife’s beauty. - One Act of Hidden Service for Your Wife
First, identify an area of need that your wife has. For example, it could be a small project that she has been wanting to complete or something that needs to be moved from one part of the house to another. Second, without telling her and without grumbling, complete the act of service for her. Lastly, do not seek recognition for it. Simply offer the act of love to God for her salvation and sanctification - One Daily Act of Affirmation or Encouragement for Your Wife
First, reflect on the many and varied ways in which your wife is a gift to you. Second, identify one of those characteristics. Third, and by text, e-mail, or phone or in person, affirm your wife and encourage her by telling her how much you admire that quality that she possesses. For example: “Honey, I thank God for your joy. You bring me so much happiness.” - Thank God for Your Wife
During your morning prayer or evening examen, simply praise God for creating your wife and for giving her to you as your wife. Thank Him often for this gift. - One Hidden Sacrifice for Your Wife
We sacrifice for that which we love. If we lack love, we should increase our sacrifice so that our love may increase. Each day, identify one small hidden sacrifice you can make on behalf of your wife; for example: skipping a meal, taking a cold shower, sleeping on the floor, or drinking only water. Offer it to God secretly so that His love may fill your wife more and that your love for her may increase. - Evening Examen on Prioritizing Your Wife
During your evening examen, first, place yourself in the presence of God the Father. Second, reflect on those aspects of your life that most demand your attention or that you find most desirable. Then ask God to help you see whether you have given the same attention to your wife’s desires and aspirations as to yours. If not, identify one of your wife’s desires and make it your own. Work at helping her to achieve that endeavor as though it were your own. - Prayer with Your Wife
Each evening, spend several minutes in prayer with your wife. First, discuss beforehand what petitions the two of you have; second, pray together, voicing those petitions and last, end your prayer time by thanking God the Father for your marriage and ask His blessing to be upon it. - Weekly Date Night
If your wife is to believe that she is most important in your life, your actions must reflect that reality. A husband demonstrates that his wife is his top priority (save God) by having a scheduled weekly date night. If a weekly date night is impossible due to the needs of small children or the lack of babysitting options, aim for every other week or at least once a month. First, establish the day and time for your date night. Second, keep it simple. It does not need to be expensive or extravagant. Third, silence all mobile devices or leave them in the car. Fourth, whether you are having a disagreement or the conversation is going well, rest in that time without cutting it short. During your date, reassure your wife that you love her, that you admire her beauty, and by listening attentively, that you respect her. - Ten Minutes of Daily Intentional Time with Your Wife
Toward the end of the day, pause, try to relax, and sit down with your wife for ten minutes or more. The purpose of this is, first, to hear her heart and discern how she is feeling—physically, emotionally, and psychologically—and second, by sitting with her, without distractions, to reassure her that you desire her. Try to refrain from “fixing” her problems; rather, affirm her. - Protect Your Wife’s Prayer Time
First, do not force or coerce your wife into praying. Invite her. This has already been established by you praying your petitions together with your wife. She may desire to pray privately. First, ask her if she needs time and space to pray. Second, ask her what you can do to help her in this endeavor. Third, follow through. - Bless Your Wife Daily
First, identify a consistent time to bless your wife (typically, prior to bedtime is best). Second, trace the Sign of the Cross on her forehead. Third, invoke God’s blessing upon her. While tracing the Sign of the Cross on her forehead, pray the following: May the Lord bless you and keep you. May His face shine kindly upon you. May the Lord grant you His kindness and peace all your days, that you may behold His face in the marriage that never ends. Abba, Father, protect my wife from all evil and bring her safely into Your eternal embrace. Amen. - Confess Your Sins Sacramentally
Make every effort to remain in a state of grace, and if you are not, sacramentally confess your sins as soon as you are able, so that you may become a channel of grace for your wife.
First, examine your conscience. Second, allow God to convict you of those behaviors and acts that are injustices against Him and His children. Third, “take with you words and return to the LORD” (Hos. 14:2)— that is, thoughtfully determine what you will say and sacramentally confess your sins and lastly, be certain to thank God for His mercy after completing your confession. - Discuss Your Wife’s Needs Regarding Child-Rearing and Occupation
During your date night or ten-minute evening conversations, ask your wife: If she works outside the home: Do you want to work outside the home? What would be ideal for you? If she is a stay-at-home wife: Do you have time for yourself and for friendships? What do you need socially? The purpose of having this conversation is to ensure that your personal and parenting goals are aligned.
- Don’t Assume Your Wife’s Needs—Ask Her
Often, we men can assume that we know our wives and what they need. Quite often, however, a wife wants to be asked what she needs, rather than her husband simply assuming that he knows. First, during your date night or evening ten-minute conversations, ask your wife how she is doing emotionally, physically, spiritually, and so forth. Second, ask her if there is anything you can do to help address her needs. Third, creatively and with intentionality, and without complaining or boasting, begin to address her needs. This communicates to her that you truly care about her. - Affirm Your Wife in Front of Your Children
While your children are present, affirm your wife’s personality or beauty or your admiration for one of her particular qualities. When you are with your children and your wife is not present, speak highly of her, intentionally admiring her. This speaks volumes to your children, increasing their respect and admiration for her. - Daily Decade of the Rosary for Your Marriage
Pray the second Luminous Mystery of the Rosary of the Blessed Virgin Mary: Christ transforms the water into wine at His Mother’s bidding. While reflecting on this mystery, pray that Our Lady will obtain from her Son the grace that the water of your marriage (your human efforts) will be transformed into wine—that is, the healing grace that unifies your marriage in a living reflection of Christ and His Church. - Offering Oneself to God for One’s Wife
When you encounter difficulties relating to your wife, such as her aging or changing, or an uneven interest between the two of you in physical intimacy, or the like, offer yourself to God on her behalf, praying, “This is my body, given for you.” By uniting your offering of yourself to the offering of Christ, the Father will bless your wife and your marriage. Additionally, He will change the way you see her. Often, for things to change, we need to change the way we see them. - Ask Your Wife for Forgiveness
When you have had an argument or a disagreement with your wife, first, focus on your offense or negligence in the matter; second, claim or own your infraction; third, apologize to her. When apologizing, however, refrain from saying only “I’m sorry,” as that is only a statement as to how you feel and allows you to retain control. Rather, always go on to ask, “Will you forgive me?” This is very humbling and meek, and it will give your wife the power to forgive.Additionally, refrain from saying, “I was wrong, but you did . . .” When apologizing and asking for forgiveness, never point out your wife’s wrong, as that cheapens and undermines what ought to be an unstinting and unqualified action on your part. Allow her to claim her shortcomings herself rather than accusing her of them. All of this wins her over to love. - Be Faithful to Your Marriage Vows
Whether you fall into financial, emotional, or sexual infidelity, make every effort to cease from the activity immediately. Remember that, in a mysterious way, because of your God-given authority, your sins and the consequences of them are transferred to your children. Seek a priest immediately and, if necessary, meet with a therapist. Often, immoral addictive behavior is the consequence of childhood wounds that have been buried rather than healed. - (Bonus) Bring Infidelity to Light
If you have been or are unfaithful to your wife, meet with a priest as soon as possible. First, make the decision truly to repent of this sinful behavior. Second, confess your infidelity to a priest. Do not make excuses or blame your wife for your behavior. The sin is yours. Own it. Finally, ask your confessor whether you ought to disclose your infidelity to your wife. Be reconciled with God and trust that He will rebuild your marriage.