Quick Links: Letter, Hungry for More, Moral Authority, Making the Connection, Further Reading, Next Steps

Hungry for More: Letter Thirteen

Back in the day, if anyone wanted to view pornography, they had to risk being seen entering an “adult” store. Children might stumble across a hidden magazine, and women seeking fantasy often turned to romance novels. But access was limited, and shame provided at least some barrier. Today we know everything is far different. Pornography was one of the driving forces behind the rapid expansion of the internet. It is now in the very air we breathe, readily accessible to all at just about every age.

Nothing reveals the truth of the Theology of the Body more clearly than the devastation pornography brings to both men and women. God designed love to be self-gifting, relational, unitive, and open to life. Pornography, by contrast, is anti-relational. It separates the viewer from real persons, isolates the heart, and ultimately leads to spiritual and even sexual impotence. It trains both men and women in lust, self-focus, and fantasy rather than authentic love.

The Catechism teaches:

2354 Pornography consists in removing real or simulated sexual acts from the intimacy of the partners, in order to display them deliberately to third parties. It offends against chastity because it perverts the conjugal act, the intimate giving of spouses to each other. It does grave injury to the dignity of its participants (actors, vendors, the public), since each one becomes an object of base pleasure and illicit profit for others. It immerses all who are involved in the illusion of a fantasy world. It is a grave offense. Civil authorities should prevent the production and distribution of pornographic materials.

When a person engages in porn, it is not merely a visual and moral experience but a neurological event, and studies have shown evidence of addiction related brain changes in internet pornography users.

The danger is that only more new and exciting porn experiences can produce these chemicals, taking the person down dangerous paths.

We have seen it drain life, dignity, and spiritual strength from countless good people, husbands, wives, teens, and even devout Catholics. Many who would never imagine committing adultery physically fall into it virtually, deceived by the lie that these are “only images.” But behind these images are real people caught up in a nasty slave trade, forcing them to perform dehumanizing lewd acts with lying smiles. Porn is hell.

When we view porn, we are not only committing adultery, or fornication if unmarried, but we are supporting the moral corruption of human beings. It is an act of arrogance, giving to the viewer a false sense of power, of dominating and owning those on display before their own lustful eyes. But all the while it is the viewer who is slowly dying inside, dying the death of mortal sin, sin that robs us of the power to relate and love.

This sin often becomes entwined with the sacramental life. Many Catholics repeatedly confess pornography, experience temporary freedom, fall again, return to confession, and cycle through discouragement and despair. This pattern reveals, not failure of God’s mercy, but the seriousness of addiction and the need for radical action, accountability, and grace.

Tragically, many elementary-age children encounter pornography through the internet. Exposure can happen accidentally (e.g., through social media or by stumbling across content) as well as intentionally. Therefore, parents must always supervise their children’s use of the internet. At this early stage, the emotional and relational development is arrested in a child. Addiction creates channels in the brain that spontaneously and naturally take the mind and heart to porn for comfort. The pathway of attraction becomes distorted, and boys and girls alike begin to see others not as persons but as objects. This neurological and spiritual harm follows them into adolescence and adulthood, often crippling their ability to form healthy relationships.

We must reject the old idea that pornography is a “male problem.” Today many women also struggle deeply. Young women exposed to porn often fall into insecurity, body monitoring, shame, and relational damage. Singer Billie Eilish admitted she began watching porn at age 11, saying it gave her nightmares and “destroyed my brain.” Men and women are wounded differently, but the root is the same: porn reduces the human person—especially the female body—to a mere object for use, contradicting the Theology of the Body’s insistence that concupiscence arises not from the body but from the disordered interior of the fallen heart.

We must confront the sheer gravity of the situation and ask ourselves some serious moral questions:

Am I enslaved by pornography? Has it harmed my marriage? My family? My soul?

Am I willing to take real steps toward freedom, to seek accountability, confession, and healing?

Am I willing to be absolutely vulnerable, innocent, and transparent with my spouse, or am I wearing fig leaves to cover my shame?

Jesus tells us that if our right eye is causing us to sin, pluck it out! If our right hand causes us to sin, cut it off! It is far better getting into heaven maimed than going to hell in one piece (Matthew 5:27-32). This, of course, is not to be taken literally, or our sidewalks would be littered with eyeballs and severed hands. Rather, it means that we should be the kind of people who would rather lose an eye or a hand than sin. We must take unprecedented, radical action to face porn directly, or it will devour us and our families.

Two motivations must guide us in the battle against pornography.The first is fear of sin, recognizing its real danger to our souls. Will porn take us to hell? The second, and more enduring motivation, is love. Proverbs 1-7 describes only two types of women: Lady Wisdom and Lady of the Evening. Both of them are working the streets, calling out, vying for our attention. They both address the “simple,” that is, all men, because we are all seducible. For men, the question remains, by which of these women will I be seduced? A wise man will engage his affections on Lady Wisdom; we become what we love. For women, the Book of Proverbs challenges them to become Lady Wisdom. In the last chapter and climax of the book, we find that Lady Wisdom desires to incarnate herself in all women. For both men and women, fear can set us on the right course, but love must take us the rest of the way.

The Catechism teaches that masturbation, which is often tied to pornography, is an “intrinsically disordered action.”

2352 By masturbation is to be understood the deliberate stimulation of the genital organs in order to derive sexual pleasure. “Both the Magisterium of the Church, in the course of a constant tradition, and the moral sense of the faithful have been in no doubt and have firmly maintained that masturbation is an intrinsically and gravely disordered action.” “The deliberate use of the sexual faculty, for whatever reason, outside of marriage is essentially contrary to its purpose.” For here sexual pleasure is sought outside of “the sexual relationship which is demanded by the moral order and in which the total meaning of mutual self-giving and human procreation in the context of true love is achieved.” To form an equitable judgment about the subjects’ moral responsibility and to guide pastoral action, one must take into account the affective immaturity, force of acquired habit, conditions of anxiety, or other psychological or social factors that can lessen, if not even reduce to a minimum, moral culpability.

Our consciences affirm that masturbation is a disordered act in the shame that it brings to the person. It is not something we naturally share with others, but is certainly lightly dismissed and joked about in profane conversation. We intuitively know it is wrong, yet, given the fallenness of our bodies, the anxieties pent up within them, the chemicals released, and the immediate pleasure it brings, it is extremely hard to avoid. It is very hard to talk about, and it takes courage to confess in the confessional.

If masturbation develops into a habit, it brings with it a self centeredness and an idolatry of immediate self-gratification, a fixation on one’s own sexual organs, that gets in the way of our relating to God and one’s spouse. Since sex is by nature relational, and therefore demanding intimacy and the hard work of relationship, masturbation becomes an end-around, creating barriers in the marriage, and therefore disrupting love. As such, it is a deadly sin.

What is even more deadly is masturbation accompanied by pornography, which often is the case. The act with the images is adultery, if married, and fornication, if not. We must not let sin reign in our mortal bodies, but rather offer our bodies to God as a living sacrifice.

Again, concupiscence is not located in the body but in our interiors. Therefore, self-mastery is demanded for the salvation of our souls. We must always strive for perfection in chastity and purity of heart. Recall that perfection is described not as sinlessness, but as a trajectory, an orientation, toward Jesus who is perfect. If we sin, we pick ourselves up, go to confession, and gain a renewed determination to sin no more.

There is no doubt that sex and sexual attraction has its chemical dimension, but as we have been saying in these letters, it also has moral, relational, and spiritual dimensions, encompassing both body and soul. Sex in and of itself cannot deliver the salvation it seems to promise. But neither can our spouses. Therefore, along with the beauty, awe and wonder of sexuality as God has designed it, there is always a lingering sadness that leaves us yearning for something more that can only be experienced in God and heaven beyond this mortal existence.

1 Kraus, Shane W.; Voon, Valerie; Potenza, Marc N. “Should compulsive sexual behavior be considered an addiction?”. Addiction. February 19, 2016, 111 (12): 2097–2106. doi:10.1111/add.13297. PMC 4990495. PMID 26893127.

2 Kühn, S.; Gallinat, J. “Neurobiological Basis of Hypersexuality”. International Review of Neurobiology. 2016, Vol. 129, pp. 67–83. doi:10.1016/bs.irn.2016.04.002. ISBN 978-0-12-803914-4. ISSN 0074-7742. PMID 27503448.

3 Brand, Matthias; Young, Kimberly; Laier, Christian; Wölfling, Klaus; Potenza, Marc N. “Integrating psychological and neurobiological considerations regarding the development and maintenance of specific Internet-use disorders: An Interaction of Person-Affect-Cognition-Execution (I-PACE) model”. Neuroscience & Biobehavioral Reviews. 2016, 71: 252–266. doi:10.1016/j.neubiorev.2016.08.033. PMID 27590829.

Moral Authority

Scripture References

1 Corinthians 7:1-5 Now concerning the matters about which you wrote. It is well for a man not to touch a woman. But because of the temptation to immorality, each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband. The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband. For the wife does not rule over her own body, but the husband does; likewise the husband does not rule over his own body, but the wife does. Do not refuse one another except perhaps by agreement for a season, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, lest Satan tempt you through lack of self-control.

Galatians 5:19–21 Now the works of the flesh are plain: immorality, impurity, licentiousness, idolatry, sorcery, enmity, strife, jealousy, anger, selfishness, dissension, party spirit, envy, drunkenness, carousing, and the like. I warn you, as I warned you before, that those who do such things shall not inherit the kingdom of God.

Matthew 5:27–28 “You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’ But I say to you that every one who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.

James 1:14–15 but each person is tempted when he is lured and enticed by his own desire. Then desire when it has conceived gives birth to sin; and sin when it is full-grown brings forth death.

Catechism References

2339 Chastity includes an apprenticeship in self-mastery which is a training in human freedom. The alternative is clear: either man governs his passions and finds peace, or he lets himself be dominated by them and becomes unhappy. 126 “Man’s dignity therefore requires him to act out of conscious and free choice, as moved and drawn in a personal way from within, and not by blind impulses in himself or by mere external constraint. Man gains such dignity when, ridding himself of all slavery to the passions, he presses forward to his goal by freely choosing what is good and, by his diligence and skill, effectively secures for himself the means suited to this end.”

2340 Whoever wants to remain faithful to his baptismal promises and resist temptations will want to adopt the means for doing so: self-knowledge, practice of an ascesis adapted to the situations that confront him, obedience to God’s commandments, exercise of the moral virtues, and fidelity to prayer. “Indeed it is through chastity that we are gathered together and led back to the unity from which we were fragmented into multiplicity.”

2345 Pornography consists in removing real or simulated sexual acts from the intimacy of the partners, in order to display them deliberately to third parties. It offends against chastity because it perverts the conjugal act, the intimate giving of spouses to each other. It does grave injury to the dignity of its participants (actors, vendors, the public), since each one becomes an object of base pleasure and illicit profit for others. It immerses all who are involved in the illusion of a fantasy world. It is a grave offense. Civil authorities should prevent the production and distribution of pornographic materials.

Vatican Documents

Pontifical Council for Social Communications. Pornography and Violence in the Communications Media: A Pastoral Response. Vatican City: Libreria Editrice Vaticana, 1989. https://www.vatican.va/roman_curia/pontifical_councils/pccs/documents/rc_pc_pccs_doc_07051989_pornography_en.html

This document discusses the moral effects of pornography and violence in communications media, including their impact on marriage and human dignity.

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Making the Connection

A Real-Life Example

Taken from Catholics in Recovery: A Married Couple Finds Recovery & Healing After Years of Pornography Addiction]

While Daniel was first exposed to porn in high school, when he would steal looks on his father’s computer from time to time when alone in the house, it wasn’t until college when his addiction to pornography and masturbation would fully emerge.

“All my friends were all as inundated as I was with sex and they readily supported the idea of casual sex for fun, whether through sharing stories of sexual exploits and encounters or pornography usage. I wanted to fit in, so I discarded my faith and put it on the backburner. I skipped Mass often and never mentioned I was Catholic. I doubted the existence of God,” Daniel shared.

That general attitude coupled with the stress and struggle of doing well in college caused Daniel to turn to masturbation and pornography.

“That’s when I found the rush of fake power that comes from viewing porn. The power it gave me was an on-demand escape from reality,” Daniel said. “A lot of my friends used drugs and alcohol, but I was fearful of becoming addicted to them. But no one told me porn was addictive also.”

Daniel continued in his addiction throughout and after college, rationalizing that it was fine because he was single and that he would stop once he got married. But nine months into his marriage and still struggling with porn, he started to realize he had been lying to himself. And when his wife Samantha found out it put an incredible strain on their relationship.

“Because of my addiction to porn and masturbation, she worried about me masturbating and/or looking at pornography when I was left alone or stressed out,” Daniel shared.

Daniel turned to God for help but he harbored frustration toward Him because of His seeming unwillingness to help him find freedom from this addiction.

“I was trying to build my faith but had a jaded and resentful view of God due to my struggles with addiction and his seeming unwillingness to help,” Daniel said. “This also strained my relationship with my wife further, since she wants me to set a good example for our future children as a strong spiritual figure.”

Daniel began working hard to maintain sobriety through a support group and other resources and had success when he reached 60 days of sobriety from pornography and masturbation. However, he relapsed, started again, but then relapsed again shortly afterward.

“When my wife asked me if I relapsed I denied it, and I immediately realized I had done a horrible thing. I confessed an hour later to her but the damage was done. I gave up my house key for three weeks and did not allow myself to be home unless my wife was already home,” Daniel said. “I had broken my bond of trust with my wife by lying to her. It took a lot of work, work that I continue to do, to regain her trust and to help repair much of the damage I had done to create a divide between us.”

He began redoubling his efforts with recovery: he joined a second addiction support group, began seeing a therapist, downloaded the app Covenant Eyes, and started listening to a couples addiction therapy called “The Betrayed, The Addicted, The Expert.” He also continued to be open with Samantha, who had experienced grace throughout this entire process in supporting her husband with his recovery.

“I was listening to a Catholic podcast discussing porn addiction,” Samantha said. “I had known Daniel struggled with masturbation but did not know that he had an issue with porn. I brought up the podcast to him to see what he thought, and it was the perfect opening for him to come clean to me. I reacted really well I think, partly because I still didn’t realize the gravity of the situation and partly because it was so much better for him to come clean to me than if I had discovered him hiding it from me. Part of me felt that now that we had named the problem, we could start to work on solving it.”
His wife Samantha is also the one who told Daniel about Catholic in Recovery.

“At that point, I really wanted to try a support group similar to a 12-step group because I heard they were good for keeping you accountable and are safe spaces to be vulnerable about your addiction without fear of rejection. I contacted Scott, the leader of the group, and the rest is history. I went to my first meeting and I have only missed a couple since then,” Daniel explained.

Daniel began to realize his desire for the false power of porn came from self-confidence issues he had due to struggling academically in college and a general doubt of his self-worth. He continued to work hard to develop healthy and proactive habits to channel these desires in good ways.

“I did not realize the extent that I had to change my life: my daily habits and activities, my daily routine, and how I reacted to stress and work. I had to change my brain, build up discipline, and become less compulsive. I had to learn to slow down my thinking, to become reflective and stoic, to pause, and instead of letting myself get swept away by emotion, to look around and poignantly ask myself how I got here and figure out what I could do to feel better.”

Daniel relies on God through the sacraments of confession and the Eucharist as well as several other tools (therapy, accountability partnerships, groups, etc.) to journey toward healing. He also relies on a Catholic in Recovery men’s group held weekly.

“Going to Catholic in Recovery has been a staple for my recovery regimen. It gives me exposure to a group of brothers who love and support me. I know they all care about me and are rooting for me because I feel the same way for them. Each guy has their own story and reflections to share, and I have learned so much just by listening,” Daniel said.

The grace and healing that he has personally experienced have also poured into his marriage.

“I have become much better at expressing myself and sharing my emotions with my wife. I can now be honest when I am struggling with chastity and can share with her,” Daniel shared.

Samantha notes the fruit of Daniel’s continued work toward healing from his addiction in their marriage as well.

“Since knowing about his addiction, there have been a lot more difficult moments, since addiction doesn’t just go away in a few months,” Samantha shared. “However, over time, as Daniel has grown in his recovery, there has been a noticeable positive effect on our relationship. It took time, but he is now able to listen to me sharing my pain and insecurities without retreating into shame and silence. He is also able to apologize for the ways he has hurt me. He has shown a whole new level of empathy that I never saw before, and he is taking responsibility for his actions. I can see him becoming a better man than the man I married, and I feel really blessed.”

Daniel has received much healing and grace, but he continues to work hard to maintain his recovery, acknowledging that there hasn’t been some magic bullet, but that it takes trust in God and a commitment to doing the work.

“When I first sought out recovery from porn and sex addiction, I thought I would be granted some miracle. That didn’t happen. There is a path, though. It is a hard, difficult path and I will be on it for the rest of my life, but I will grow accustomed to it over the years. God’s power lies in bringing forth good from what is bad. Through the path of recovery, I have regained my sense of worth and my self-esteem, both as a man and as a Christian.”

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Next Steps

Ready to Take the Next Step?

How can we commit to sexual self-control? Study, Prayer and Practice!

📖 Study

Focus on passages that guide self-control, holiness, and virtuous love

Matthew 5:27–28 – Reflect daily on your thoughts and your media consumption.
Galatians 5:22–23 – Recognize that self-control is a fruit of the Holy Spirit. Pray for this gift and practice temperance in small, daily decisions.
1 Corinthians 9:24–27 – Understand that discipline is required to strengthen the body and soul. Identify one area of temptation to “train” against weekly.
James 1:14–15 – Realizing that desire leads to sin if unchecked, identify the triggers of temptation in your own life.
Ephesians 5:21–33 – Remember that self-giving love models Christ. Focus on your own self-mastery to foster true love for your spouse.

💖 Prayer

Traditional Prayer for Purity to St. Joseph

O Blessed Saint Joseph, guardian and protector of virgins, to whom God entrusted Jesus and Mary, I implore you by the love you bore them, to preserve me from every defilement of soul and body. By that twofold and most precious charge, by Jesus and Mary, I pray and beseech you to keep me from all uncleanness, to keep my mind untainted, my heart pure, and my body chaste. Help me always to serve Jesus and Mary in perfect chastity and holiness, to live a life of virtue, and to grow closer to God each day.

Amen.

✝️ Practice

Here’s a 3-part action plan you can use as a couple in your marriage when one or both spouses are struggling with temptations:

1. Weekly Check-In

Goal: Build intimacy, honesty, and spiritual unity.
Action Steps:

Set aside 15–30 minutes once a week for conversation.
Discuss:
- Joys and blessings from the week
- Challenges or temptations faced
- Ways to support each other
End with a short prayer together, asking God for self-control, patience, and deeper love.

2. Personal Spiritual Discipline

Goal: Strengthen self-control and reliance on Christ.
Action Steps:

Each spouse chooses one daily spiritual practice, for example:
- Prayer: 10 minutes for self and spouse
- Scripture: Read a short passage and reflect
- Fasting or sacrifice: Give up a comfort/habit to grow discipline
Encourage each other and share progress weekly.

3. Guard Against Temptation

Goal: Protect marriage from lust, envy, or boredom.
Action Steps:

Identify common triggers (social media, idle curiosity, pornography, comparing to others).
Set practical boundaries together, such as:
- No devices in the bedroom
- Avoid certain websites or media
Replace temptations with shared positive activities:
- Walks, hobbies, volunteer work, or prayer
Consider a trusted accountability partner or small group if needed.