Quick Links: Letter, Hungry for More, Moral Authority, Making the Connection, Further Reading, Next Steps

 

Hungry for More: Letter Twelve

Freely and faithfully accepting the blessings of children

My father, as a teenager during the days of the dark depression, loved to go out into the woods and countryside with his .22 caliber rifle and hunt for crows. He didn’t have much luck because the crows were crafty and hard to shoot. It didn’t matter to him; he was outside in the great outdoors. He would sometimes stay out even into the night and watch the fish in the stream glitter silver by the light of the moon. Mesmerized, all he could say to himself was, “Isn’t it great to be alive.”

Isn’t it great to be alive? It is natural for us mortals to love life. What a joy it is to be aware of the marvelous fact that we are alive. All too often we forget this very fundamental truth about existence itself. What a pity it is for people to become so jaded by disappointments, failures, and fears that they loathe their very existence. This is the work of the devil. The work of God is to make us fully alive, and to make others around us fully alive.

What is more, we possess the power to create life just like our own. We do this by natural instinct; it is natural to reproduce ourselves and to pour our love into our children. This comes at a great price – the price of our freedom, our resources, our time, and for women, their bodies. It also comes with no guarantees. Will our children be grateful for our sacrifices? Will they love us back? Will they love God? Will they love the precious gift of life given to them?

The only way to live our lives to the fullest is to totally surrender ourselves to God and love, and wherever this may take us. This includes a complete openness to having children. We are given the stupendous power of choice, and this power has been enhanced by modern medicine. For many it boils down to one terrifying temptation – to take control of our lives. Everything in Scripture screams out “Beware!” The truth is we do not know what is best for us. We were made to take up the awesome challenge of openness to God, openness to life, openness to the wonderful gift of children. Life is always hard on this side of glory, and often we are deeply perplexed, but it is good, especially when we give ourselves over to love. Love is always a choice and a sacrifice.

God’s plan for us as male and female is to marry and multiply. He has given us the supreme gift of being co-creators of life and participants in salvation by striving to help our spouses and children get to heaven. It is God’s work, and it is both fruitful and beautiful. To deny ourselves children is to deny ourselves our very nature which God has written on our hearts.

The Power Not to Have: Contraceptives

Children were not a problem in the biblical world but a blessing. This was so even when considering that the people of this culture were poor by our standards. True, society was agrarian, and children were needed to help support the family on the farm like we see today in Amish families.  

Modern culture since the Industrial Revolution, with the rush to city life and factories, has done incredible damage to our humanity.  Fathers became separated from their families by working away from home in plastic environments, performing life-draining, monotonous labor that the family could not comprehend or appreciate.  Houses were small, and children eventually were considered a burden.  Society adjusted, especially in the US, after World War II, when mothers went to work, had fewer children, and affluence and convenience became the norm.   The mindset is to have a child or two and maintain a lifestyle that is considered essential for happiness.  

Even though my grandfather’s family was dirt-poor by today’s standards and pretty rough around the edges, it had two advantages: God was at the center, and they stuck together.  My grandmother’s pride and joy were her children. Our society has become secular and has lost these two advantages.  Poverty is one thing if supported by faith in God, and families stick together. Poverty is quite another thing when these two essentials are missing.  The so-called Great Society of the 1960s awarded single mothers more money with more children.  But at the same time, it encouraged contraceptives and abortions.  These, of course, do not solve the core problems but create even more.   

Granted, there is a problem, but the problem is not the children.  The problem is a spiritual and moral one brought on by cultural and societal shifts.  The government cannot fix this, but in the eyes of our culture, which is decidedly contra-Catholic in its attitude, there is nowhere else to go.  It is politically a given that the government supports contraceptives and abortion for the poor.  (Of course, there is the issue of abortion’s sordid history and present reality of race control; abortion in the poor black populations is proportionately far higher than in white populations.)   Even wealthy people, for the most part, avoid having children to maintain their lifestyle.  With contraceptives so available, with abortion as a fallback in most places, Catholic moral theology seems impractical at best, hopelessly out of date, and at worst, cruel.

The easiest thing to do is to take matters into our own hands and control a natural function unnaturally.  The hardest thing to do is to assess our given presuppositions in light of Christ’s call for radical discipleship and Catholic Moral teaching based on Scripture and 2000 years of great minds developing moral teaching.  The Church is an expert on the human person.  

The Power Not to Have: Natural Family Planning

The Church does allow birth control by natural family planning (NFP).  Many critics scoff at this as a mere “loophole,” and even contradictory in that sex is no longer that total abandonment of self-gifting that must be open to life.  What is more, with the radical feminism of our time, it seems sexist to demand women to fuss with their cycles, especially when they are most amorous when fertile.  Of course, when pleasure is the fundamental value of sex, then NFP makes little to no sense at all, even hypocritical.    

However, there are good reasons for NFP.   Consider this chart provided by the Archdiocese of St. Louis:  

When considering the above reasons, we see that NFP is natural; it works with the body and its cycles as God created them.  As such, it is working with God if done in accord with God’s will as the couple prayerfully discerns it together, and not in avoidance out of mere convenience, maintaining a lifestyle, or selfishness.  Indeed, since it is not foolproof (nothing really is, in the end, foolproof), it is still open to life and God’s will and intervention.  The Church, therefore, allows the couple to share with God a certain power “not to have,” if done in good faith.  For more information on the different methods of NFP, see the Archdiocesan website. 

 The Power not to Have: High-Risk Pregnancies

There are certain criteria for determining what a high-risk pregnancy is.  Typically, they have to do with age, whether too young (age 15 or less), too old (38 or more), weight, whether too light (100 lb. or less) or obese, difficult pregnancies in the past, chronic medical conditions such as diabetes or high blood pressure, family history of genetic conditions, or multiple pregnancies.  The Church teaches that it is immoral to use contraceptives or sterilize for the specific purpose of not having children.  

On the other hand, the Church allows hormonal contraceptives for legitimate reasons other than contraceptives.  Here, the end is not avoiding pregnancy, but undergoing procedures that indirectly eliminate fertility but directly treat conditions that threaten the health of the mother (e.g., the pill or full hysterectomy).  Direct sterilization, such as vasectomies and tying tubes, is not licit.  Abortion is never licit, but the removal of an ectopic pregnancy is licit due to the threat to the mother and resulting in the unintended death of a baby to save the mother.  Both the life of the mother and the life of the baby are equally sacred.  In this circumstance, the fetus cannot survive without the mother, and the mother cannot survive with the fetus inside her.  

The Power to Have: In Vitro Fertilization

Reproductive technology has advanced to the place where children can be conceived outside of the mother. There are essentially five steps to the process.  

1. Fertility drugs are given to the woman to stimulate egg production, so there are multiple eggs rather than one.  
2. A procedure is done to remove the eggs. 
3. The eggs are then inseminated; the sperm either makes its way into the egg on its own or is injected into the egg. 
4. When the egg divides and becomes an embryo in the lab, it is screened for “genetic disorders,” parents can decide what embryo to implant. 
5. The embryo is implanted three to five days into the mother.  Unused embryos can be frozen and used at a later date or donated.  

From a purely scientific or medical point of view, risks are involved.  The physical and psychological energy expended is considerable, and with the effects of fertility drugs, depression is not uncommon, as well as other side effects like abdominal pain. In rare cases, the procedure can produce a condition called ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome (OHSS), a buildup of fluid in the abdomen and chest causing abdominal pain, bloating, rapid weight gain (as much as 10 pounds within 3 to 5 days), decreased urination despite drinking plenty of fluids, nausea, vomiting, and shortness of breath. In addition to possible damage to neighboring organs, it is not known if IVF increases the risk of birth defects.   [Information is taken from the MedlinePlus website.]

On the surface, it seems good for parents who desperately desire children to use such technologies for the ultimate good, that of having children. However, there are deep moral problems.

IVF is a big business with large profits that operates in impersonal labs where embryos are not respected for their humanity, and mistakes can and do happen.  Moreover, these embryos can be stored in warehouses and sold and bought.  Homosexual “parents” have access to them, thus depriving them of having a father and mother, a right every child has by nature.   

The Catechism teaches:

2376 Techniques that entail the dissociation of husband and wife, by the intrusion of a person other than the couple (donation of sperm or ovum, surrogate uterus), are gravely immoral. These techniques (heterologous artificial insemination and fertilization) infringe the child’s right to be born of a father and mother known to him and bound to each other by marriage. They betray the spouses’ “right to become a father and a mother only through each other.” 

God’s original design for children to be conceived in the holy act of self-gifting love between husband and wife is bypassed and substituted by medical technicians.  

2377 Techniques involving only the married couple (homologous artificial insemination and fertilization) are perhaps less reprehensible, yet remain morally unacceptable. They dissociate the sexual act from the procreative act. The act which brings the child into existence is no longer an act by which two persons give themselves to one another, but one that “entrusts the life and identity of the embryo into the power of doctors and biologists and establishes the domination of technology over the origin and destiny of the human person. Such a relationship of domination is in itself contrary to the dignity and equality that must be common to parents and children.” “Under the moral aspect procreation is deprived of its proper perfection when it is not willed as the fruit of the conjugal act, that is to say, of the specific act of the spouses’ union . . . . Only respect for the link between the meanings of the conjugal act and respect for the unity of the human being make possible procreation in conformity with the dignity of the person.” 

IVF is spiritually vacuous in that children are not received as a gift from God but as a possession by right, something that is taken by one’s own will and power.  God is spiritually removed by the process even though present at conception, for only God can bring about conception even though manipulated by scientists.     

2378 A child is not something owed to one, but is a gift. The “supreme gift of marriage” is a human person. A child may not be considered a piece of property, an idea to which an alleged “right to a child” would lead. In this area, only the child possesses genuine rights: the right “to be the fruit of the specific act of the conjugal love of his parents” and “the right to be respected as a person from the moment of his conception.” 

Finally, though IVF children are not born with these natural advantages, they are no less human than other children. They are often loved by their parents as naturally born children, and what is more important, they are loved and honored by God. God always is at work, making perfect what is imperfectly done.  

The Power to Have: Adoption

Adoption is an act of charity and a natural solution to the deep desire to have children (See Catechism quote 2379 below). 

The Dignity of a Childless Marriage

Though a childless marriage was considered a tragedy under the Old Covenant, as demonstrated many times, it is not even mentioned as an issue within the context of the Kingdom of God and the Church.   The Kingdom exults the status of virgin living, something uncommon in the ancient Hebrew community.  By extension, we can confidently say that childless marriages free parents to explore all the opportunities there are for increasing the Kingdom of God.   

The Catechism says:

2379 The Gospel shows that physical sterility is not an absolute evil. Spouses who still suffer from infertility after exhausting legitimate medical procedures should unite themselves with the Lord’s Cross, the source of all spiritual fecundity. They can give expression to their generosity by adopting abandoned children or performing demanding services for others. 

Conclusion

The easy thing is not always the right thing.  If we lift these topics out of the context of our call to the radical discipleship Jesus is expecting of us, such demands may make little sense.  Furthermore, marriages where one’s spouse is not Catholic and unable to appreciate Church teaching pose, of course, added complications requiring the counsel of a priest. But if we have the courage to be obedient, grace will always attend the couple in their sacramental union.  Jesus is always looking out for our ultimate happiness, and holiness is always its own reward.

Moral Authority

Scripture References

Gn 1:28 God blessed [Adam and Eve], and God said to them, “Be fruitful and multiply, and fill the earth and subdue it; and have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the air and over every living thing that moves upon the earth.”

1Timothy 2:15 Yet woman will be saved through bearing children, if she continues in faith and love and holiness, with modesty.

Catechism

372 Man and woman were made “for each other” – not that God left them half-made and incomplete: he created them to be a communion of persons, in which each can be “helpmate” to the other, for they are equal as persons (“bone of my bones…”) and complementary as masculine and feminine. In marriage God unites them in such a way that, by forming “one flesh,” they can transmit human life: “Be fruitful and multiply, and fill the earth.” By transmitting human life to their descendants, man and woman as spouses and parents cooperate in a unique way in the Creator’s work. 

1652 “By its very nature the institution of marriage and married love is ordered to procreation and education of the offspring and it is in them that it finds its crowning glory”

Children are the supreme gift of marriage and contribute greatly to the good of the parents themselves. God himself said: “It is not good that man should be alone,” and “from the beginning [he] made them male and female”; wishing to associate them in a special way in his own creative work, God blessed man and woman with the words: “Be fruitful and multiply.” Hence, true married love and the whole structure of family life which results from it, without diminishment of the other ends of marriage, are directed to disposing the spouses to cooperate valiantly with the love of the Creator and Savior, who through them will increase and enrich his family from day to day. 

2366 Fecundity is a gift, and end of marriage, for conjugal love naturally tends to be fruitful.  A child does not come from outside as something added on to the mutual love of the spouses, but springs from the very heart of the mutual giving, as its fruit and fulfillment. So the Church, which is “on the side of life,” teaches that “it is necessary that each and every marriage act remain ordered per se to the procreation of human life.” “This particular doctrine, expounded on numerous occasions by the Magisterium, is based on the inseparable connection, established by God, which man on his own initiative may not break, between the unitive significance and the procreative significance which are both inherent to the marriage act.”

2368 Called to give life, spouses share in the creative power and fatherhood of God. “Married couples should regard it as their proper mission to transmit human life and to educate their children; they should realize that they are thereby cooperating with the love of God the Creator and are, in a certain sense, its interpreters. They will fulfill this duty with a sense of human and Christian responsibility.

2368 A particular aspect of this responsibility concerns the regulation of procreation. For just reasons, spouses may wish to space the births of their children. It is their duty to make certain that their desire is not motivated by selfishness but is in conformity with the generosity appropriate to the objective criteria of morality:

When it is a question of harmonizing married love with the responsible transmission of life, the morality of the behavior does not depend on sincere intention and evaluation of motives alone; but it must be determined by objective criteria, criteria drawn from the nature of the person and his acts, criteria that respect the total meaning of mutual self-giving and human procreation in the context of true love, this is possible only if the virtue of married chastity is practiced with sincerity of heart.

Vatican Documents

• Humanae Vitae (1968): Pope Paul VI’s encyclical reaffirmed the Church’s ban on artificial contraception, emphasizing that sexual acts must remain open to procreation, condemning methods that intentionally interrupt the generative process.
• Declaration on Procured Abortion (1974): Stated life must be respected from conception and that intentional abortion is impermissible, viewing its legalization as against natural law, say the Embryo Project Encyclopedia.
• Donum Vitae (Instruction on Respect for Human Life in Its Origin and on the Dignity of Procreation, 1987): Opposed all technological interventions in reproduction, including IVF, artificial insemination, and embryo transfer, calling them morally unacceptable, notes the Markkula Center for Applied Ethics.
• Evangelium Vitae (The Gospel of Life, 1995): Pope John Paul II addressed the “culture of death,” condemning abortion, euthanasia, and directly attacking human life from conception onwards, writes the Embryo Project Encyclopedia.
• Dignitas Personae (2008): Further clarified Church teaching on reproductive technologies, reinforcing opposition to IVF and embryo destruction. 

The Pontifical Council for the Family. The Truth and Meaning of Human Sexuality: Guidelines for Education Within the Family. Boston, Massachusetts: Pauline Books & Media, 1996.

This document was created to help parents with the difficult task of providing education for their children in preparation for adult life, particularly in the area of human sexuality.

 

​Return to top of page

 

 

Making the Connection

A Real-Life Example

Recognizing that there are multiple aspects to the issues surrounding the power to have or not have children, three different stories are provided in this section. The first story talks about the faith and inspiration involved with being open to receiving the blessings of children, and the successful use of Natural Family Planning (NFP). The second story revolves around the struggles with abortion. The third story discusses experiences with adoption.

Story about Accepting God’s Gift of Children and NFP:

As they call it, Susan and John have a “whole handful” of children. Each one is a unique and special joy and blessing, and a treasured gift from God. The couple always wanted a large family, and practiced Natural Family Planning (NFP) as they relied on the grace of God to bless them with children as He saw fit. Susan got pregnant shortly after their marriage, and they proceeded to have children roughly every two years through the use of NFP. They intentionally wanted their children to be close in age to each other so that they would have the benefit of similar experiences and family memories. They know their kids will appreciate these shared memories in the years to come. 

Susan and John never worried about the financial burden that a large family might place on the couple. They always believed that God would provide for them. At one point early in their marriage, Susan was pregnant and John was laid off from his job. Even during these troubling times, they both maintained unwavering and complete trust in God, remaining open to His will, and knowing that He would provide for them. God has never let them down! They have family members close to their age who decided to stop having children after having two, citing reasons about wanting to be financially secure and comfortable. These family members miss the whole point of being open to God’s plan and the gift of children, which is to abandon one’s own will and fully embrace being open to the will of God. Their relatives also don’t realize the many benefits that come with larger families, including the closeness and camaraderie of the siblings, the learning to share and sacrifice for one another, having a large group of family members providing support for each other, developing the skills needed to negotiate and work things out between family members, and learning to appreciate the differences between many family members. 

Susan said that they have met many people who wish that they had more siblings growing up, but never have they met anyone who said they wished they had fewer siblings. Despite the cramped conditions inherent in living in a house with five children, hardly a week goes by when at least one of their children doesn’t mention how nice it would be to have another sibling. Susan and John are open to the possibility, saying that if God grants them another child they are confident that God will provide and take care of them. They love how the blessings of children breathe into the family a culture of life. They want the children to witness and experience this openness of welcoming and raising children in the world. Their last child was born during the pandemic, and was a sign to them that God knew they needed the light of a new life during that dark time.

Susan and John appreciate that their plans pale in comparison to the plans that God has for them, and know that when they allow the Holy Spirit to enter their marriage, only good things come from it. Grace happens in those moments. When one is open to God’s will and allows the Holy Spirit in, that is a beautiful thing. Susan and John’s parents both modeled these values for them in different ways when they were growing up. Coming from devoutly Catholic families, the church was the center of their spiritual and social lives, instilling in them a strong faith foundation. It was through their experiences with their own families growing up, both in good times and in times of hardship, that they learned to appreciate that being present with and for their children is far more important than how financially well off they may or may not be. 

A pivotal moment came for both Susan and John when they attended similar Steubenville conferences as teens in different locations. They both had deeply moving Eucharistic experiences when they felt a strong presence and influence of the Holy Spirit. This sparked in each of them a strong desire to learn more about and grow in their Catholic faith. They believe that, in order for faith to grow and become stronger, one must adopt a habitual reality of faith, which creates in your heart a place for the Holy Spirit to enter and dwell. Susan and John now foster this habitual reality of faith for their five children, remaining always open to the many more blessings that God has in store for them. 

Susan (the names of Susan and John have been changed to protect the couple’s privacy), interview by Terry Morse, January 6, 2026

Story about Abortion:

Never Letting Go

From “I Choose God” by Chris Cuddy and Peter Ericksen

Published by St. Anthony Messenger Press, Cincinnati, Ohio 2007

By: Liz Brown

It is easier for me to remain silent than to recount the story of my abortion experience and my eventual liberation from the culture of death. Mine is a difficult story of struggling with the shame involved in such a “choice” and the fear of what some may think. It is my hope that by sharing my journey from rebellion to repentance, anguish to absolution and death to the knowledge of life-giving love, others will be released from the lie of “abortion without consequences.” It is only when we are released from the scourge of this lie that true healing can begin.

Fifteen years ago I was a terribly broken woman without a foundation. I had no true joy. I was lost. I hardly valued my own life, much less the life of another, and darkness surrounded me. All of this because I had taken the life of my child.

Many “seeds” had germinated into this catastrophic decision. My upbringing had been rocky soil for holiness but fertile ground for the culture of death. I experienced the tragic loss of my mother at an early age, and I was subjected to abuse. I had no consistent religious training.

These facts are no excuse for the choice I made. Many people experience these life events without sinning in such a grievous way. I made sinful choices that resulted in a deep separation between Jesus Christ and me. This disorder in me and in my relationships culminated in the ultimate disorder of abortion.

At the time I felt perfectly justified in my decision. Most of the people around me didn’t have a problem with abortion. My politics supported my position and furthered my belief that this was my body and that I had the right – even the responsibility – to choose abortion. You’re not married. It’s just tissue. You aren’t financially secure. Your life will change forever with a baby. Mom and Dad mustn’t find out. You won’t be able to finish your degree. It won’t be a big deal if you get the abortion early enough. These are the words I told myself.

But honestly, I probably would have used any excuse to become free of the reality of being pregnant. There was no real love inside of me. I was empty. I had nothing within me that could offer the gift of life through adoption or attract the assistance of friends.

Neither had I the ability or desire to reach out to a Savior. After all, from my perspective I had no sin to be saved from. I was cut off from my womanhood, and I hated God. I willingly exchanged the truth for a life of lies.

From Death to Life

Little did I know how my abortion would change my life. Confusion, persistent thoughts of hell, depression and suicidal impulses descended upon me. Why am I suddenly and intensely experiencing these things? Abortion was supposed to be the “perfect solution:” after all, “it” wasn’t a child. What was going on?

I spent thousands of dollars on counseling and medications, all in a desperate attempt to find love and wholeness. No one ever addressed the deep scars caused by the abortion. I didn’t face the wounds I suffered in denying my nature as nurturer and protector of life. I remained very alone and very empty.

Amid this destruction Jesus was still at work. And even though I couldn’t see it, he was showing me mercy through my pain. He was drawing me close, closing off escape routes and tearing down gradually the wall of my denial. His still, small, gentle voice kept asking me difficult questions: “Why are you afraid of hell when you don’t believe in me? Why do you feel anxiety every time you see a pro-life bumper sticker? Why does every relationship you enter into seem to go nowhere? What is that deep sadness inside of you that has no name?”

I lived with these torments for three years, desperately trying to force them into the recesses of my mind. They emerged with particular clarity when I first met my husband, Peter, who was in the process of rediscovering his Catholic faith. When I told him of my abortion experience, his words pierced my heart: “Liz, abortion is wrong. You have sinned against God.”

No one ever had talked to me this way. Peter didn’t back down when I discussed the usual litany of excuses and mitigating circumstances. All the emotions I had tried to suppress erupted. I was at a crossroad, and I knew it. I could continue to walk to the death of my soul, or I could repent and walk toward life. I decided to choose life.

God meets us where we are, but he loves us too much to let us stay there. One year later, as I began my healing journey to Jesus Christ and his Catholic Church, the crooked path on which I had been walking began to be straightened. Through the sacraments I was immersed in the deep ocean of God’s mercy and the fire of his consuming love.

As I confessed my sin of abortion, I mustered up the courage to look at the priest. He was crying – not only for the injustice done to my child but for my pain as well. Through this servant of God, I saw Jesus’ face and received his eternal forgiveness.

In the Eucharist I found what I had been searching for: life in abundance. More than a sign of his faithfulness, Christ was offering me real and lasting participation in his heavenly banquet.

Healing Within

Recovering from abortion and its wounds takes time; it is a process. The tentacles of evil reach deep and have enduring consequences. I experienced this reality in my struggles with infertility and miscarriage.

I also was diagnosed with a rare form of ovarian cancer. The pain of the cancer was nothing compared to the despair I felt in my soul at the prospect of never bearing children. I was overcome with grief as I thought about the relationship between my “choice” so very long ago and my present agony.

I availed myself of the Catholic Church’s post-abortion healing resources. I needed to take full responsibility for my past actions. I needed to understand the impact of my sinful choices without falling into despair. I needed to learn what it means to be a woman of God, what a healthy male-female relationship looks like and what a precious gift our Savior has given us in our sexuality.

This work of healing was very difficult at times, but it was well worth the effort. I received God’s love and mercy, and he reminded me time and time again that his love is powerful enough to overcome the sins of all people, even those who have taken the life of an innocent little baby.

Through this healing process I have experienced moments of profound sweetness and joy that would have been impossible before my healing. In my journey something good and pleasing has flowered, not from my abortion experience (because abortion is always wrong) but in spite of my abortion.

My daughter’s name is Rebecca, and my son by miscarriage is Michael. Rebecca has forgiven me for what I did to her – of this I am sure – and one day, God willing, I will behold her beautiful face in heaven, as well as that of Michael. For now, however, I must wait, and this saddens my heart more than you can know. Every fiber of my being longs to be a mother to my babies here on earth. But I have come to know the true meaning of love by bearing this cross, and I am growing in love for my God, my children and myself.

Job 12:10 reminds us that “in his hand is the life of every living thing and the breath of all mankind.” It is there – in his loving grasp – that my daughter and son rest. I did nothing to deserve the gift of my heavenly relationship with my Maker and my two babies, but I received it nonetheless.

This is my love letter to my daughter, Rebecca. In some small, humble way, I hope it honors her existence – her life. For she is real, she is a part of me, and I will never let her go again!

Story about Adoption:

“We realised that accepting the children God wanted to give us included not having any”

“We realised that accepting the children God wanted to give us included not having any” – Opus Dei

Laura is a mother of three. On social media, she shares her journey through the adoption process, coming to terms with infertility, and topics related to family and education. In this article, she talks about her faith, and how sharing her experience on social media has been a source of healing for herself and a way of helping others.

My husband and I exchanged the most important “yes” of our lives on 15 May, the feast of Saint Isidore, in Madrid, where we were to live after getting married. We said “yes” to loving each other always, “yes” to the children who would come, “yes” to God, and “yes” to a whole life together.

Like any other young couple, we dreamt of our future together. The thought of having a large family excited us; we longed to be parents and imagined holidays with one or several little ones. However, as time passed, the pregnancy we so deeply desired never came.

Accepting the children God wants… even when that means none

Although the years went by, we never lost hope of becoming parents. We consulted several doctors, who reassured us that we had nothing to worry about, that we would become parents at any moment. So, rather than growing anxious, we intensified our prayers.

We visited several shrines: Lourdes, Fatima, and Torreciudad. We also travelled to Rome, where we naturally prayed before St. Josemaría, St. Peter, St. John Paul II, and in countless holy places across the city.

In Spain, we prayed in every chapel, church, and cathedral, invoking the Virgin Mary and all the saints. The years continued to pass until we finally understood that accepting the children God wanted for us included not having any.

Those prayers were not in vain. They prepared us to accept the fact that our dream of biological parenthood would not come true with great serenity. They also helped us to see that we were to be blessed in another way. The Lord showed us that our parenthood would come through adoption… And not just once, but three or four times.

As of now, we have undergone four adoption processes, through which three of our children have joined our family. We are currently waiting for the arrival of our fourth child, who, as always, will come when God wills… if it is meant to be. One thing is certain: we are not in control of anything.

After about two or three years of waiting, with the fourth adoption process completely stalled due to the pandemic, I decided to share our story on social media and in a book I titled Mis hilos rojos (My Red Threads), alluding to the legend of the red thread.

I set out to talk about adoption and family, making myself available to anyone in need through my Instagram account (@mishilosrojos). At first, I felt a bit embarrassed discussing certain topics or openly sharing my faith, until I noticed that whenever I spoke about the Virgin Mary, many people asked me for prayers, and posts featuring her image were very popular.

Encouraged, I began to share everything without fear. My followers got to know me better, and before I realised it, I was having deep private conversations with many of them. One person told me she did not believe in God, but that my writings brought her peace, serenity, and joy. Jokingly, I replied, “You don’t believe in Him now, but if you keep reading, you will!”

Since adoption processes are long and complicated, and support can be hard to find, I gradually became friends with the people I met on Instagram: people considering adoption, those grieving infertility, and others who had completed their journey. We discussed many things, and I always told them I was praying for them. I never stopped thinking of several families whose adoption processes were stuck in China, just like ours.

I thought particularly of one family in a very difficult situation. When everything came to a standstill, they were on the verge of travelling to bring their child home. The years passed with no progress, and they grew increasingly discouraged. I kept encouraging them to pray, until one day the mother told me she was desperate and felt like no one was listening. So I said, “We need to do something extraordinary. Let’s pray to St Joseph, the most famous adoptive father in history.”

I explained why I had such great devotion to him, and she loved the idea. We decided to pray a novena together, asking St. Joseph for his help. “For nine days, we need to say a prayer and offer up a small sacrifice to make it more meaningful. What do you want to do?” We chose things that required some effort, adding extra value to our novena. When the nine days ended, not only did we celebrate completing it, but also the fact that, thanks to St. Joseph, she had gone back to the sacraments.

She has not yet been able to travel to collect her child, but in the meantime, we have celebrated many important milestones in her family. Just the other day, I told her, “St. Joseph hasn’t brought you your child yet, but look at all the beautiful things he’s placing before you!” We never know where our prayers go, but one thing is certain: they are never lost.

Return to top of page

Further Reading

Smith, Janet E., ed. Why Humanae Vitae Was Right: A Reader. San Francisco, California: Ignatius Press, 1993.

The author curated 21 essays and articles to illustrate the prophetic nature of Pope Paul VI’s encyclical Humanae Vitae. They provide compelling evidence for why Church teaching has not changed in this regard. 

Smith, Janet E., ed. Why Humanae Vitae Is Still Right. San Francisco, California: Ignatius Press, 2018.

“…this new volume shows how the ethical, theological, spiritual, and sociological case for Paul VI’s controversial document remains strong – indeed, how it’s in some ways even stronger today, following Pope John Paul II’s Theology of the Body and in light of the problems caused by the sexual revolution.”

Tham, S. Joseph, M.D. The Missing Cornerstone: Reasons Why Couples Choose Natural Family Planning in Their Marriage. Hamden, CT: Circle Press, 2003.

“When the Catholic Church reaffirmed its teaching against the use of contraceptives, it was generally ignored by Catholics and ridiculed by the media. Could this radical but unheeded message have been a prophetic voice predicting the present crisis of the family?”

“Is this true sense of love the missing cornerstone that could restore stability and vigor to family life? These testimonies offer a convincing and inspiring answer to that pressing question.”

Franks, Angela , PhD. Contraception and Catholicism: What the Church teaches and Why. Boston, Massachusetts: Pauline Books & Media, 2013.

This book is “a much-needed resource that offers clarity and understanding for one of the Church’s most misunderstood teachings. In this volume, Dr. Angela Franks gives us an intelligent, calm, and thoughtful response to the toughest questions concerning the Church’s teachings on birth control. I have enjoyed reading this book and I encourage anyone who has questions or doubts about the Church’s teaching to sit down and read this volume.” – Cardinal Sean O’Malley, OFM Cap., Archbishop of Boston

 

Return to top of page

 

Next Steps

Ready to Take the Next Step?

How can we commit to sexual self-control?  Study, Prayer and Practice!

📖 Study

1. Accepting the blessings of children in marriage
   1. The Catholic Society website provides an excellent guide on the Catholic Church’s teaching on marriage and accepting the blessings of children (The_catholic_church_teaching_on_marriage_and_family.pdf}. It addresses practical planning for the gift of children, and reviews the moral methods of accomplishing a couple’s goals. It also provides an overview of prohibited actions that are contrary to God’s intentions.
2. The use of contraceptives
   1. The Catholic Answers website (Birth Control | Catholic Answers Tract) provides a good overview of the Catholic Church’s position on the use of contraceptives, including a brief history of biblical references and teaching from the both the Old and New Testaments, and includes excerpts from Pope John Paul VI encyclical letter Humanae Vitae (Latin, “Human Life”).
3. Abortion
   1. The United States Conference of Catholic Bishops (USCCB) website offers a good overview on the Catholic Church’s stance and teaching on abortion (Respect for Unborn Human Life: The Church’s Constant Teaching | USCCB). It provides historical background, both theologic and secular, on the social and moral dangers of practicing abortion, and provides guidance on the Catholic Church’s position today.
4. In Vitro Fertilization (IVF)
   1. The United States Conference of Catholic Bishops (USCCB) website offers an in depth discussion on the Catholic Church’s stance and teaching on IVF (25-IVF-parish-primer.pdf). It provides the moral and theological background on the dangers of IVF and how it is contrary to God’s plan for marriage and children.
5. Natural Family Planning (NFP)
   1. The Abundant Catholic website offers a good introduction on the Catholic Church’s stance and teaching on NFP (The Catholic Church & Natural Family Planning – The Abundant Catholic). It provides an in-depth description of what it is and why the church allows its use as part of a normal, healthy marriage. It provides guidance on the methods used in the practice of NFP, and discusses other topics such as contraception and abstinence as well. 
   2. In addition, the Facts About Fertility website has science-based resources dedicated to educating medical professionals, students, and the public about the science supporting fertility awareness-based methods (FABMs) or NFP. Check out the resources under the Patient tab.
6. Adoption
   1. A podcast provided by Fr. Shenan Boquet (A Catholic Look at the Call to Adoption | Human Life International), accessed through the Human Life International website, explains the procreative, life-giving nature of adoption. He provides guidance on the discernment process, and discusses the benefits of adoption for both the child and the parents.

💖 Prayer

A Prayer for an open heart toward the blessings of children:

Loving Creator,

You are the giver of life and the author of every precious soul.

Soften my heart and open my spirit to receive children with love, patience, and joy.

Help me to see them as You see them—full of wonder, purpose, and promise.

Remove any fear, hesitation, or self-doubt, and replace it with trust in Your timing and plan.

Teach me to nurture with gentleness, guide with wisdom, and embrace with unconditional love.

May my home, my heart, and my life be a safe and welcoming place for the little ones You entrust to me.

Amen.

Taken from: prayer for being open to accepting children – Search

The Litany of Trust prayer:

• From the belief that I have to earn Your love
  Deliver me, Jesus.
  From the fear that I am unlovable
  Deliver me, Jesus.
  From the false security that I have what it takes
  Deliver me, Jesus.
  From the fear that trusting You will leave me more destitute
  Deliver me, Jesus.
  From all suspicion of Your words and promises
  Deliver me, Jesus.
  From the rebellion against childlike dependency on You
  Deliver me, Jesus.
  From refusals and reluctances in accepting Your will
  Deliver me, Jesus.
  From anxiety about the future
  Deliver me, Jesus.
  From resentment or excessive preoccupation with the past
  Deliver me, Jesus.
  From restless self-seeking in the present moment
  Deliver me, Jesus.
  From disbelief in Your love and presence
  Deliver me, Jesus.
  From the fear of being asked to give more than I have
  Deliver me, Jesus.
  From the belief that my life has no meaning or worth
  Deliver me, Jesus.
  From the fear of what love demands
  Deliver me, Jesus.
  From discouragement
  Deliver me, Jesus.
  That You are continually holding me, sustaining me, loving me
  Jesus, I trust in You.
  That Your love goes deeper than my sins and failings and transforms me
  Jesus, I trust in You.
  That not knowing what tomorrow brings is an invitation to lean on You
  Jesus, I trust in You.
  That You are with me in my suffering
  Jesus, I trust in You.
  That my suffering, united to Your own, will bear fruit in this life and the next
  Jesus, I trust in You.
  That You will not leave me orphan, that You are present in Your Church
  Jesus, I trust in You.
  That Your plan is better than anything else
  Jesus, I trust in You.
  That You always hear me and in Your goodness always respond to me
  Jesus, I trust in You.
  That You give me the grace to accept forgiveness and to forgive others
  Jesus, I trust in You.
  That You give me all the strength I need for what is asked
  Jesus, I trust in You.
  That my life is a gift
  Jesus, I trust in You.
  That You will teach me to trust You
  Jesus, I trust in You.
  That You are my Lord and my God
  Jesus, I trust in You.
  That I am Your beloved one
  Jesus, I trust in You.

{The Litany of Trust is a prayer composed by Sr. Faustina Maria Pia of the Sisters of Life.}

✝️ Practice

Surrendering ourselves to God involves actively yielding our will and trusting God’s plan, through prayer, scripture study, gratitude, and aligning our daily actions with Jesus’ teaching. This requires letting go of control, seeking God’s presence, and obeying His Word, even when difficult. Practical steps include:

1. Pray continually – Talk to God about everything, your fears, worries, and joys, and ask Him to guide you. Pray “Guide me Father, I trust you.”
2. Study Scripture – Reflect on God’s promises and let His Word be your guide, as seen in examples like Jesus’ prayer in Mark14 “Yet not what I will, but what You will.”
3. Practice Gratitude – Cultivate thankfulness for what you have, viewing everything as God’s gift, as gratitude is a form of sacrifice pleasing to God.
4. Act in Obedience – Let the Holy Spirit lead you to do good works and live a life of kindness, patience, and righteousness, turning from sin.
5. Let Go of Control – Acknowledge what you can’t control and give it to God, recognizing that true peace comes from releasing your burdens.
6. Bui;d Trust – Develop confidence in God’s plan and His protection, even when you don’t see the outcome.
7. Be Still and Listen – Make time to be quiet and aware of God’s presence, allowing the Holy Spirit to help to form your conscience and influence your decisions.
8. Start Small – Begin by surrendering small habits or daily chores to God, working up to bigger areas of your life.

Remember that this is an ongoing process, requiring a daily decision to trust and follow God, even when it is challenging. It requires faith that God has your best interests at heart. It means aligning your will with God’s will. However, relinquishing control will bring a deep peace and free you from the anxiety of trying to manage everything yourself.

The above information was taken from the following internet search results:

ways to surrender ourselves to God – Google Search

Return to top of page