Letter Ten: Marital Integrity
As we sit around our table, we all know what is going on whether it is spoken or not. The beauty of marriage as sacrament as described in the last two letters may not be the reality of your home. The wonder of it all is lost to the challenging effects of familiarity, the hard work of childbearing and raising a family, disappointments in our spouses on many different levels, especially sexual and financial. It is easy for married couples to become mere roommates, living an unspoken agreement to co-exist for the sake of peace, or for the kids.
On some level, every couple must go through the transition from the first blushes of “love” to a deep, abiding self-giving love. Physical attraction and erotic desire are good and part of our physical nature. But the erotic is always in search for something beyond itself and, good as it is, is limited in and of itself. What must happen is a discovery of, or a synthesis of, the beauty of body and soul. If this transition is not made, disappointment ensues. Making this transition is very difficult but critical, and for us Catholics, happens in the context of Christ and His love for the Church, His bride. Marriage and family is the school where we are taught to bear the beams of love.
Think of a triangle with Jesus at the top and a husband and wife at the bottom corners. Both the husband and wife must seek union with Christ by submitting themselves to Christ and to each other, and as they do, they ascend, and not only come closer to Christ, but to each other. It is the husband’s duty to love his wife as Christ loves the church, which means, to love her to death. He must cherish her body and soul. As the church responds to Christ’s love, so the wife will naturally respond to her husband’s love.
Imagine what our home life would be if husband and wife were so deeply in love. That would be all that is needed for our children to flourish. Imagine what our church life would be if our families were built upon this rich foundation of self-gifting love. We must first imagine it and then be intentional about bringing it to reality. There is nothing more urgent and important for our married couples to accomplish. We will speak more of this in our next letter.
Takeaway
Every marriage must transition from a love based on physical attraction and erotic desire to one of self-gifting. It is through submitting to Jesus and to each other that this transition occurs.
Discussion Questions
- What does self-gifting in a marriage look like?
- What did you learn about marriage by watching your parents’ relationship? How has that affected how you approach marriage with your spouse? (Or if you are single, how does it affect your attitude about marriage?)
- Do you have relationships in your life now that you can look to for examples of an ideal marriage as presented in this letter?