Quick Links: Letter, Hungry for More, Moral Authority, Making the Connection, Further Reading, Next Steps
Hungry for More: Letter Ten
Marital integrity demands that we understand what true love is. Our English word ‘love’ covers a multitude of relationships. We love God, our spouse, our kids, our friends, our dog, and our favorite food/ movie/ season of the year.
This is not so different from some other languages, including biblical Hebrew. In the Old Testament, the Hebrew ′āhab is the broad, multi-purpose word for love. It includes God’s love, as well as human love for God and neighbor, the love of a parent for a child, love between friends or lovers, etc.
By contrast, the ancient Greeks had a wide range of words for different types of love. C.S. Lewis, in his famous book, The Four Loves, focused on four of them: storge (natural affection); philia (love of friendship); eros (romantic love); and agape (selfless love). There were others as well: ludus (playful love); pragma (practical love); philautia (self-love); and mania (obsessive love). But Lewis chose the first four because they’re either common in the New Testament (agape, philia) or else they describe familiar biblical kinds of love (storge, eros). We will briefly go over these four loves because they suggest distinctions that are helpful to us.
Storge (Natural Affection)
This is a very humble form of love because it does not brag or bring attention to ourselves. It is a love for people the way they are, not the way we wish them to be. Such love for others can help us become aware of our own bothersome habits. With this love we find ourselves truly interested in others. This love allows us not to expect too much of them and empowers us to love the unattractive.
Philia (Bond of Friendship)
Philia is the least biological, the least necessary, and the least instinctive of loves. Humans can (and often do) survive without friendship. As such it is experienced as a luxury, a refined taste, so to speak. When this love is practiced and embraced in the proper manner, it is a gift that represents a spiritual maturity. Lewis tells us: “Lovers are always talking to one another about their love; Friends briefly ever about their Friendship. Lovers are normally face to face, absorbed in each other; Friends, side by side, absorbed in some common interest.” Philia entails caring for the other. The dangers to friendship are jealousy and hatred because of exclusion; these come from pride and indifference.
Eros (Romantic or Sexual Love)
Love in the sense of “being in love” or “loving” someone, as opposed to the raw sexuality of what Lewis called Venus. The danger in romantic love is to follow blindly after a feeling of passion without being aware of the greater context of the relationship. Too often, Lewis notes, and contemporary culture reaffirms, we celebrate the passion of our romantic relationships and think its absence means that such love has tragically and permanently died. Eros is just one component required for a successful and happy relationship with a romantic partner. With it comes “the sense of need,” which “is an essential constituent of eros,” as well as “the will to possess.” On the dark side, eros tends to be egocentric, leading to frenzy, or what he calls “enthusiasm,” and as such devalues the body and marriage. Eros, when an end in itself, always leaves persons unfulfilled. Eros, at its best, is searching for a good beyond itself.
Lewis was a medievalist and understood the bright side of eros. Many of the Eastern mystics of the Church prefer this word to all others because it captured for them the intensity of divine love. It carries the sense of “ascent to God,” longing, striving, aiming for union. As we can see, eros is a powerful word both in its dark side and bright side.
Agape (Selfless or Unconditional Love)
Lewis recognizes this selfless love as the greatest of the four loves, and sees it as a specifically Christian virtue. This is the highest and most unselfish of the loves, the one that the Apostle Paul talks about in detail in 1 Corinthians 13. Contrary to popular understanding, the significance of agape is not that it is an unconditional love, but that it is primarily a love of the will, rather than of the emotions. This is important because agape, or its theological synonym charity, is seemingly unnatural. It exists regardless of changing circumstances. Agape teaches us, and expects us, to love, to care for, the unlovable, the undeserving, and the ugly. Agape gives all and asks for nothing in return. Lewis contrasts agape from eros in that agape is theocentric; rather than “ascending” like eros, it is “descending” – from God to man. Agape descends into the world through the Incarnation, reconciling the material world with God.
When we survey these four loves, we can see all of them at work in our relationships in general, and marriage specifically. Lewis’ analysis and the brilliant anthropology of St. John Paul II’s Theology of the Body are fundamental for our understanding of who we are as humans and how to attain marital integrity.
One of the challenges to attaining marital integrity is that men and women are wired differently, both in body and soul. Of course every man is unique, and it is always dangerous to generalize, and so it is with every woman. However, there is something that makes men men and women women.
Speaking in generalities as a man about men, I believe it is fair to say that “historical man,” that is, the fallen male dominated by concupiscence, is phallic-driven. Men’s bodies biologically and chemically can overcome the mind and spirit in a split second. By nature, they are visually stimulated by women. In this frenzied state (see eros above), the mind and spirit tend to forget all the major existential issues that confront them, such as mortality, morality, and responsibility. The attitude is, if I can only attain coitus with her and a happy ending, I will be saved. Sex becomes a pseudo-salvation.
The truth is men tend to be less complicated than women (Eldridge). Men need sexual release but women need emotional release. While a man feels closer to a woman through the sexual act, a woman needs to feel close to a man before that same act. (Eggerichs) The beauty of a woman is what arouses a man and the strength of a man is what makes a woman yearn to be beautiful.
Men are not always willing to delve into the emotional depth of a woman’s heart because it is complicated and hard for them to understand. For women, this mystery of their heart, while beautiful, can become a source of shame when women are made to feel they are “too much’ or “not what they should be.” (Eldridge).
These simple biological and emotional realities are major challenges for marriages; sexual “needs” are different. Of course, there is always that beautiful initial period when the man and woman explore each other at the commencement of marriage. But as time goes on we may find ourselves “covering our nakedness with the fig leaves,” hiding from one another. As holy as sex is, disappointment with ourselves and the other settles in, and it becomes mechanical, and does not produce what it seems to promise. Sex can even be weaponized by the man or the woman which always ends in resentment.
It is inevitable that all marriages must deal with the above and/or many other issues which bring disappointment. This is not a bad thing. It is, in fact, a necessary challenge to work through to achieve true intimacy. Intimacy is something many of us want, but we find ourselves resistant to it when faced with the vulnerability it demands.
It is critical to appreciate the parallel between a man and a woman, and Christ as the Bridegroom of our souls. By nature, there is that draw within us to be reconciled to our Maker, and achieve intimacy with Jesus. When Jesus first encounters us, our souls are thrilled and we cannot get enough of Him. Spirituality can become emotionally inebriating much like sex is. St. John of the Cross calls this “spiritual gluttony.” The problem is that we cannot grow when we stay emotionally at the initial stage of a relationship, whether it be sexual or spiritual gluttony. We must all pass through a “dark night” to get to a deeper stage of virtue and intimacy.
The truth is that genuine love must rise above the emotional and feeling stage of a relationship. To stay there is to remain babies before your spouse and/or God. This is especially true in our “feeling driven” culture. Love is defined as “you are convenient and make me feel good; when you no longer make me feel good, you are no longer convenient, and I’m out of here!” The genuine love we are looking for is the agape that is demonstrated to us by Christ. Jesus teaches us to love our spouses as He did His Church, through self-giving and sacrifice.
Moral Authority
Scripture References
Ephesians 5:25, 28-33: Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her. Even so husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no man ever hates his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, , because we are members of his body. “For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh”. This is a great mystery, and I mean in reference to Christ and the Church; however, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.
1 Corinthians 13: 4-7: Love is patient and kind; love is not jealous or boastful; it is not arrogant or rude. Love does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrong, but rejoices in the right. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
Proverbs 11:3: The integrity of the upright guides them, but the crookedness of the treacherous destroys them.
Hebrews 13:4: Marriage should be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled;, for God will judge the immoral and adulterous.
1 Corinthians 7:4: For the wife does not rule over her own body, but the husband does; likewise the husband does not rule over his own body, but the wife does.
Catechism
The Catechism speaks of the bond established in a valid marriage through which grace flows, strengthening the union over time.
1641 “By reason of their state in life and of their order, [Christian spouses] have their own special gifts in the People of God.” This grace proper to the sacrament of Matrimony is intended to perfect the couple’s love and to strengthen their indissoluble unity. By this grace they “help one another to attain holiness in their married life and in welcoming and educating their children.”
1642 Christ is the source of this grace. “Just as of old God encountered his people with a covenant of love and fidelity, so our Savior, the spouse of the Church, now encounters Christian spouses through the sacrament of Matrimony.” Christ dwells with them, gives them the strength to take up their crosses and so follow him, to rise again after they have fallen, to forgive one another, to bear one another’s burdens, to “be subject to one another out of reverence for Christ,” and to love one another with supernatural, tender, and fruitful love. In the joys of their love and family life he gives them here on earth a foretaste of the wedding feast of the Lamb:
How can I ever express the happiness of a marriage joined by the Church, strengthened by an offering, sealed by a blessing, announced by angels, and ratified by the Father? . . . How wonderful the bond between two believers, now one in hope, one in desire, one in discipline, one in the same service! They are both children of one Father and servants of the same Master, undivided in spirit and flesh, truly two in one flesh. Where the flesh is one, one also is the spirit.
Vatican Documents
The Pontifical Council for the Family. The Truth and Meaning of Human Sexuality: Guidelines for Education Within the Family. Boston, Massachusetts: Pauline Books & Media, 1996.
This document was created to help parents with the difficult task of providing education for their children in preparation for adult life, particularly in the area of human sexuality.
Making the Connection
A Real-Life Example
A Story of Love, Sex, and Sacrifice
In April 2003, my husband and I had our second child, a son born just 17 months after his sister. At that point, we were self-taught NFP (Natural Family Planning) users; I’d learned NFP out of the Couple to Couple League manual. Our lack of family support, along with our inexperience and lack of guidance on navigating the dicey postpartum period, turned our six weeks of healing abstinence into a three month dry spell.
At that time, it was admittedly harder for my husband than it was for me to abstain. I was exhausted from caring for two children under two, and still carried an extra 50 pounds of pregnancy weight; sex was about the last thing on my mind. One day I realized I couldn’t remember the last time we’d been intimate. I mentioned this to my husband, who said, “Oh, I remember. It was five months, two weeks, and one day ago.” I could tell from his face he was serious.
He went on to share that I’d been so obviously uncomfortable and tired during the last trimester that he’d decided to just give me massages and let me sleep more instead of initiating sex. After the birth, he knew we didn’t have a good handle on when I was fertile, so he didn’t bring it up then, either; he didn’t want me to feel tempted to acquiesce, which could bring about another pregnancy before we were ready. “I probably couldn’t have turned you down if you’d insisted,” he joked. “But I knew you needed me to be strong for us.”
My husband had abstained almost half a year and had done so out of love for me and our children. He knew another pregnancy right away would compromise my health, and diminish our ability to patiently care for our two existing children. He’d taken on this enormous sacrifice without complaining about it once.
Over the years, my husband has given me diamonds and pearls, a book signed by my favorite author, and a kitchen renovation that was the envy of my friends. But nothing will ever compare to that gift of self-sacrifice he made in 2003. I knew then our marriage could survive anything, because my husband was willing to sacrifice to serve me and our family. I still get teary thinking about this great gift he gave me.
Yes, it was hard. Agonizingly at times. My husband, who had been Catholic for less than two years at that point, needed several discussions with our priest about abstinence and temptation. (I wish more priests realized how much they could help married men this way.) He learned to train his imagination to control his physical desires and reactions. He might have given in to sin from time to time, I don’t know. I don’t want to know. Even if he did, I know that “love covers a multitude of sins” and that Jesus lavished mercy on him in the confessional because he was at least trying to put the needs of his wife above his own desires.
My husband said the experience helped him grow closer to Christ, because he was often praying for the grace to stay strong. It helped him better understand our priests, and gave him greater appreciation for their sacrifice. It strengthened our marriage. It was probably one of the most spiritually fruitful periods of our 20 years together and it laid the foundation for us to survive the death of a child, a failed adoption, a cross-country move with financial hardship, bouts of depression (his and mine), and his severe post-traumatic stress disorder after his coworkers were murdered. As wonderful as it would have been to be physically intimate, even that can’t compare to what we gained in our relationships with God and each other during that prolonged abstinence.
Many Catholics have told me they don’t agree with the Church’s teaching against contraception. “There’s no way using the Pill can be a mortal sin!” one woman scoffed. All I could think is that they’ve missed the point of Catholicism entirely. Our faith isn’t about rules, but about loving God and being loved by him. My husband and I don’t use NFP because it’s easy or convenient or more effective than condoms. We use it because we love Jesus. Through the Church, Jesus has told us that he gave us the gift of fertility and designed the marriage act to benefit us. He wants us to use our bodies chastely because it will help us grow in love and other virtues like patience and perseverance.
We expect our five children to practice certain behaviors and virtues. Our family rules don’t exist for their own sake, but to help our kids reach their fullest potential. They don’t always like the boundaries we set and sometimes, they refuse to follow them. But when they cooperate with their parents, they learn and grow and are able to become more responsible and loving people.
Likewise, when we respect God’s design for sexuality and the marriage act, we’re able to grow spiritually and move toward the perfection He desires for us. When I think about all that comes from uncontracepted intimacy—an awe of God’s ability to create new life, knowing we’re “one flesh” with nothing between us, knowing we’re accepting the other fully and being fully accepted ourselves, a sense of purity in an act our culture has degraded…when I think about these gains, contracepted sex has nothing to offer anymore.
by Misty
Reproduced on 10/22/2025 from: A Story of Love, Sex, and Sacrifice » Catholic Sistas
Further Reading
Additional Reading Materials
Chapman, Gary. The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate. Chicago, Illinois: Northfield Publishing, 1995.
The author explores the ways people give and receive love. There are five main love languages. If you are speaking a different love language (ways in which you give and/or receive love) than your spouse, misunderstandings, conflicts, and resentments can fester. Learning your love language and that of your spouse can be life-changing for a relationship.
Eldredge, John, and Stasi Eldredge. Captivating: Unveiling the Mystery of a Woman’s Soul. Nashville, Tennessee: Thomas Nelson, 2005.
This book unlocks the secrets to every woman’s heart. It is a beautiful message every woman needs to hear and helps to re-capture femininity the way God intended it to be.
Eldredge, John. Wild at Heart: Discovering the Secret of a Man’s Soul. Nashville, Tennessee: Thomas Nelson, 2001.
This book is about how men can rediscover their true masculine heart, heal their wounds and trauma, and embrace a life of courage, adventure, and freedom.
Lewis, C.S. The Four Loves. New York, New York: Harper Collins Publishing, 2017.
This book explores the four kinds of human love. The author examines how love works in our lives and allows us to be closer to God.
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Next Steps
Ready to Take the Next Step?
How can we cooperate with the Holy Spirit in marriage to transition from a love based on physical attraction and erotic desire to one of self-gifting? Study, Prayer and Practice!
📖 Study
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Read Ephesians 5:25-33
In this biblical passage St. Paul compares the love between husband and wife to the love between Christ and the Church. This passage describes Christ’s love as sacrificial and purifying:
- “Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the Church and gave himself up for her…”
- Christ’s love for the Church is self-sacrificial, unconditional, and united in purpose. Understanding this passage is foundational in grasping the depth of Christ’s love and how it serves as a model for marriage.
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Read and Reflect on the Gospels
By studying how Christ shows His love for us through His actions—serving, teaching, forgiving, and ultimately dying on the Cross—we can understand the depth and breadth of sacrificial love.
Gospel Narratives: The Gospels show Christ’s love for the Church in the way He interacts with the people, heals them, forgives them, and ultimately dies for them.
- John 13: Jesus’ washing of the disciples’ feet, even though He is their Lord, exemplifies servant leadership and self-giving love.
- John 15:13: “Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends.” This verse directly points to the ultimate self-giving love in Christ’s sacrifice.
- Luke 22:42: In the Garden of Gethsemane, Christ’s prayer reveals His ultimate submission to the Father’s will, emphasizing His sacrificial obedience out of love for the Church.
💖 Prayer
A Prayer for Married Couples (from the Catholic Marriage Rite)
Lord, help me to be a good spouse.
Grant me the strength to love with all my heart,
to give of myself freely and without hesitation,
and to care for my spouse with patience, humility, and kindness.
Help me to serve them as Christ serves the Church,
always seeking their good,
even when it is difficult.
May our marriage reflect Your love,
and may we grow together in faith,
hope, and love.
Amen.
✝️ Practice
Practices of Self-Giving in Everyday Life
- Practical Acts of Love: Start small by doing something each day for your spouse that shows self-sacrifice or unspoken thoughtfulness. Whether it’s taking on an extra chore or giving up something you enjoy to spend quality time with your spouse, these small acts help build the habit of self-giving love.
- Intentional Physical Affection: The letter emphasizes the beauty of both body and soul. Express physical affection in ways that affirm your spouse, not just as a partner, but as a beloved image of Christ. This doesn’t have to be sexual, but simple gestures like holding hands, a kiss, or a hug can reaffirm this love.
Practical Steps for Addressing Differences in Libido
By nature, men tend to be more sensual while women connect through relationships, which means that their desire for intimacy may not always be in sync. Theology of the Body (TOB) provides a foundational framework of principles that can guide couples in navigating this common challenge through mutual self-donation, open communication, and the virtue of chastity. Here are practical steps Catholic couples can take, rooted in TOB principles:
- Cultivate “Mutual Self-Donation” (Generosity)
The core of the TOB is the idea that the body is meant to express the total, free gift of self. When libidos differ, both partners are called to an attitude of heroic generosity:
- Be “other-oriented”: Both partners should compete to bring the other person joy and satisfaction, rather than focusing solely on their own needs or perceived “rights”.
- Willingness to “sacrifice”: The partner with the lower drive may, out of love, make small sacrifices to their comfort level or tiredness to facilitate the spouse’s happiness. The partner with the higher drive, in turn, practices patience and refrains from pressuring their spouse, ensuring the act is always a free gift.
- Avoid “use”: Ensure that the desire for sexual intimacy never reduces the other person to an object for mere personal satisfaction. The person must always be loved for their own sake.
- Foster Open and Compassionate Communication
TOB emphasizes the human person as a subject of truth and love, which requires clear and honest communication.
- Choose the right time: Discuss the issue in a calm, non-sexual setting, not in the bedroom when tension is high.
- Use “I” statements: Focus on expressing personal feelings (e.g., “I feel a need for more frequent connection,” or “I feel pressured when we discuss this in the bedroom”) rather than making accusations (“You never want to have sex”).
- Practice empathy: Strive to understand the underlying feelings of the other. The higher-drive partner’s feeling of rejection should be acknowledged, as should the lower-drive partner’s potential feeling of pressure or inadequacy.
- Seek to understand the “why”: Explore potential underlying causes for the drive discrepancy (stress, health, body image, etc.) with a compassionate and investigative approach.
- Broaden the Scope of Intimacy
The TOB places sexual intimacy within the context of the entire marital union. A couple’s intimate life extends beyond the conjugal act.
- Prioritize non-sexual affection: Increase general physical touch and emotional closeness (hugs, holding hands, cuddling, extended kissing, massage) to strengthen the overall bond.
- Integrate sex with general relationship health: A spouse who feels mistreated or disrespected outside the bedroom will be less likely to want to engage sexually. Addressing general relationship dynamics is key to a healthy sex life.
- Explore other expressions of intimacy: When the lower-drive partner is not in the mood for intercourse, the couple can explore other forms of physical touch and closeness that are mutually satisfying and respect the other’s boundaries and comfort levels.
- Embrace the Virtue of Chastity and Seek Help
Chastity, in the TOB, is not about repression but about the virtue that liberates spouses to love each other authentically and control their desires.
- Manage one’s own desires: Both partners can practice self-mastery and work on managing their sexual desires through the grace of God and personal effort.
- Seek professional help: If communication and personal efforts are insufficient, consulting a faithful Catholic counselor or certified sex therapist is a valid and responsible step to address deeper physical, emotional, or psychological factors.
- Address health concerns: Consult a doctor to rule out any medical conditions (hormonal imbalances, pain, etc.) that may be affecting libido.