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Hungry for More

Letter Seventeen: Family Conflict Resolution

Everyone knows the Hebrew word “shalom”. Whatever “peace” may mean to us in English, the Hebrew carries with it a lot of theological freight. Shalom is a state of being within the context of the Sabbath, the seventh day of creation. Our original parents were created to be in harmony with God, each other, with animals and their environment. With regard to God creating the “heavens” (Hebrew shamayim), this word is a “dual”, meaning “two heavens,” signifying both the physical and the spiritual realms. We may safely conclude that originally there was natural harmony of shalom between the spiritual realm of angels and humanity as well.

With the Fall, shalom was broken on all levels, separating what was once unified, creating chaos. First there is the conflict between God and humanity. They chose by their free will to be autonomous from God, thus alienating them from their Creator. This is visualized by them being cast out of the Garden in Eden where the Cherubim stood guard with a flaming, two edged sword. The second level of conflict was between Adam and Eve, visualized by the fact they were naked and ashamed, driving them to cover themselves with fig leaves. We see in God’s punishment of Eve that her desire will be for her husband, and he will rule over her. Desire, in the immediate context, would mean sexual desire, but the word also suggests a desire to dominate, as it is used in the next chapter Genesis 4:7 . As a result of the Fall, domination replaced the harmony God intended.

The next level of conflict comes between brothers as we see with Cain and Abel (Genesis 4). This is expanded in Genesis 11 with the tower of Babel episode, where God punished humanity by the confusion of tongues, creating nations and races in conflict. Finally, as humanity grew more evil in Cain’s line, they became so violent that they slaughtered each other indiscriminately. They devoured animals without respect, and as the texts in Genesis 6 through 9 suggests, ate them at the kill with their blood not drained. Thus there is a conflict between humans and animals; animals are naturally afraid of humans, and it is a terrible reversal for animals to dominate and devour humans.

From this progression, we see that the most fundamental conflict is between God and humanity. Second to this is the conflict between the sexes, and from there to the conflict between fellow man and finally, animals and nature itself. The battle of the sexes is even more fundamental to our human experience than the battle between nations and race.

At the center of this conflict between men and women is concupiscence. Jesus in His Sermon on the Mount addresses this conflict. He makes lusting after a woman through the eyes as serious as the actual act of adultery itself (Matthew 5: 27-30). Jesus tells us that we must get to the point where we would rather cut out an eye, or cut off the right hand, than commit this interior crime. This teaching is an expansion of the beatitude, “Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God.”

This beatitude spills right into “Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called sons of God.” The pure heart that makes peace (shalom) with our spouse grows into a spontaneous way of dealing with conflict. Conflict itself is spontaneous, and we must grow into a spontaneous response. Deep spontaneity springs from a deep knowledge of our human interior. Surprisingly, this is driven by eros itself, not defined as Freud does in a purely sensual way, but Plato’s definition as the inner power that draws man toward all that is good, true and beautiful.

The natural way with historical man is conflict. The human condition cannot tolerate direct conflict for long and so replaces it with indirect conflict. This usually takes the form of avoidance. Conflict can also engage tactics like passive-aggressive behavior, triangulation where two join forces to gang up on the other (e.g. mother/daughter on husband), or sexual favors to manipulate, etc. All these are old behaviors of the Fall, of the historical, or “old humanity” before Christ, which are dominated by the senses (concupiscence) and human ways of thinking. There is no shalom.

Jesus offers us something completely new. Christ desires to impregnate our consciousness with Himself through the Holy Spirit creating lasting peace, a fruit of the Spirit. This redemption dominates concupiscence which so dominated historical humanity. We cannot go back to original innocence, but we can, through Christ, go forward toward redemptive freedom even now in our mortal bodies. This is the Gospel of the pure in heart that brings peace to our relationships in our families. Shalom should fill every one of our homes.

Moral Authority

Col 3:18-19 Wives be subject to your husbands, as is fitting in the lord. Husbands, love your wives, and do not be harsh with them.

Ex 20:12 Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be long in the land which the Lord your God gives you.

Eph 6:1-3 Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. “Honor your father and mother” (this is the first commandment with a promise), “that it may be well with you and that you may live long on the earth.”

Eph 6:4 Fathers do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.

Col 3:21 Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged.

Eph 4:2-3 Maintain unity with humility, gentleness, patience, and love.

1 Peter 3:7 Husbands, treat wives with respect as heirs of God’s grace.

1 Peter 4:8 Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins.

Catechism References

1606 Every man experiences evil around him and within himself. This experience makes itself felt in the relationships between man and woman. Their union has always been threatened by discord, a spirit of domination, infidelity, jealousy, and conflicts that can escalate into hatred and separation. This disorder can manifest itself more or less acutely, and can be more or less overcome according to the circumstances of cultures, eras, and individuals, but it does seem to have an universal character.

1607 According to faith the disorder we notice so painfully does not stem from the nature of man and woman, nor from the nature of their relations, but from sin. As a break from God, the first sin had for its first consequence the rupture of the original communion between man and woman. Their relations were distorted by mutual recriminations, their mutual attraction, the creator’s own gift, changed into a relationship of domination and lust, and the beautiful vocation of man and woman to be fruitful, multiply, and subdue the earth was burdened by the pain of childbirth and the toil of work.

1608 Nevertheless, the order of creation persists, though seriously disturbed. To heal the wounds of sin, man and woman need the help of the grace that God in his infinite mercy never refuses them. Without his help man and woman cannot achieve the union of their lives for which God created them “in the beginning.”

1609 In his mercy God has not forsaken sinful man. The punishments consequent upon sin, “pain in childbearing” and toil “in the sweat of your brow,” also embody remedies that limit the damaging effects of sin. After the fall, marriage helps to overcome self-absorption, egoism, pursuit of one’s own pleasure, and to open oneself to the other, to mutual aid and to self-giving.

Vatican Documents

Vatican documents on family conflict resolution, notably Pope Francis’s Amoris Laetitia (The Joy of Love) and John Paul II’s Familiaris Consortio, emphasize pastoral accompaniment, dialogue, forgiveness, and the spiritual strengthening of marriage to overcome challenges. These texts promote empathy, prayer, and “synodal paths” (dialogue) to address issues like financial stress, intergenerational tension, and separation.

Key Documents and Their Approaches

Amoris Laetitia (2016): Pope Francis emphasizes “mercy and pastoral discernment” in addressing family conflicts. It calls for recognizing that problems will not disappear but can be viewed from a new perspective, encouraging couples to “welcome Jesus into your boat”.
Familiaris Consortio (1981): Pope John Paul II highlights that family life involves a struggle of love (between love of God and selfishness) and outlines the family as a place of reconciliation, emphasizing the role of the Christian family to heal and strengthen bonds.
Points of reflection for a synodal path with families (2022): Prepared by the Dicastery for the Laity, Family and Life, this document encourages dioceses and parishes to adopt a “synodal” approach, creating spaces for listening and sharing experiences to resolve conflicts.
Instrumentum Laboris (2014 & 2015): The Synod of Bishops documents provide detailed insights into the challenges facing modern families, such as economic strain and work-family imbalance, promoting family-friendly policies and support systems to alleviate tension.
Letter to Married Couples (2021): Pope Francis directly advises couples facing conflict to keep their eyes on Jesus, seek forgiveness, and maintain dialogue, as prayer is a key therapeutic tool for healing family relationships.

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Making the Connection

A Real-Life Example

Here we share a story to help people relate to the lessons by example. It may be a story taken from the internet, the tale of a saint, or an illustration taken from among our own church family.

Saint Monica

332-387

Saint Monica is perhaps best known as the mother of one of the greatest saints in the history of the Church: Saint Augustine. And while her impact on the life of her son cannot be denied, Monica’s own life story and her strength to persevere in difficult situations also earned her the title of saint. She is often invoked in cases of difficult marriages.

Monica was most likely born in Thagaste, present-day Souk Ahras, Algeria, North Africa, and was raised in a Christian home and became quite devout. Because Christianity was still new to the Roman Empire, Christians were likely a minority at that time. Monica married a man named Patricius (Patrick), who was a pagan and said to have had a violent temper and an immoral lifestyle. Patricius’ mother lived with the couple and is said to have had the same violent temperament as her son. Monica and Patricius had three children: sons Augustine and Navigius and a daughter whose name is unknown.

Monica’s marriage and home life were difficult, but she was a woman of deep faith and prayer. Earlier in her life she had struggled with alcohol but overcame those difficulties. Once married, her husband opposed her Christian faith and prayer life, but he also saw in her something that led to his respect for her. She wanted to baptize her children when they were born, but Patricius refused permission. His refusal broke her heart and led to her unwavering prayers for her family. When Augustine became ill as a child, Patricius initially agreed to permit his baptism, but when the boy recovered, Patricius once again forbade it.

Monica’s only recourse was prayer. She prayed fervently for her family’s conversion, and her prayers began to take hold. Patricius admired Monica’s virtues and was deeply affected by her love for him. That, coupled with her prayers, led to Patricius’ conversion and baptism around the year 370. He died one year later. Patricius’ mother also converted.

In the meantime, Augustine was slowly making his way to God. Monica never gave up, praying for her son through tears. Since Augustine was impressed with intellectuals, he was drawn to the Catholic Bishop of Milan and future Saint Ambrose. Bishop Ambrose was an answer to a mother’s prayers. Around the year 387, at the age of thirty-three, Augustine converted to Christianity and was baptized by Bishop Ambrose.

Once converted, Augustine and his mother decided to return home to Thagaste, but Monica would never complete the trip. She fell ill and died in Ostia, a city just outside of Rome. Augustine went on to become one of the most influential theologians in the history of the Church.

Saint Monica endured a difficult life, but she persevered, overcame her difficulties, and devoted herself to a life of prayer and virtuous living. Her prayers and virtues first won over her husband and mother-in-law, then all three of her children. Though Saint Augustine is the most well known, this mother, daughter-in-law, and wife made a difference in the lives of her entire family. Saint Monica is seen by many as a model of hope for those whose family members have gone astray.

Story adapted from: My Catholic App

We see from this story that Saint Monica was a peacemaker, bringing peace to a family embroiled in conflict. Her life of prayer and virtuous living brought conflict resolution and conversion to her entire family.

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Next Steps

Ready to Take the Next Step?

How can we commit to sexual self-control? Study, Prayer and Practice!

📖 Study

To best understand the model we aspire to, Christ in relationship with his bride, the Church, reflect on the following passages that explicitly compare Christ and the Church.

Common causes of family conflict include:

Communication Breakdowns: Misunderstandings, poor listening skills, and negative tones often lead to arguments.
Financial Stress: Disagreements over money, spending habits, and financial priorities.
Parenting and Discipline: Different approaches to raising children, including disagreements on rules and responsibilities.
Division of Household Labor: Conflict arising from unfair or perceived imbalances in chores.
Life Transitions and Changes: Stress from moving, career changes, the birth of a child, or divorce.
Differences in Values and Beliefs: Clashes in religious, political, or personal opinions.
Extended Family Issues: Involvement of in-laws or blending families.
Sibling Rivalry: Intense arguments between children.
Substance Abuse or Mental Health Issues: Addiction, gambling, or untreated mental health conditions.
Sexual Expectations: Insensitivity, selfishness, concupiscence
Too Much or Too Little Time Together: Incompatibility in schedules, such as work-family balance issues.

Core Principles for Resolution:

Pastoral Accompaniment: Moving away from rigid judgment towards supporting families in complex, imperfect situations.
Forgiveness and Dialogue: Prioritizing reconciliation to overcome conflicts.
Community Support: Involving parishes and Catholic Apostolates to create a “network” of support for families.
Structural Support: Addressing external factors like poverty and work-life balance that contribute to domestic stress.

Services

Finally, be aware of services available for conflict resolution.

Counseling Services:
- CatholicTherapists.com
- MarylandCounselor.com
- Christian Counseling & Educational Services:
  - Biblical Counseling | Christian Counseling | Explore CCEF
- Safe Harbor Christian Counseling:
  - Safe Harbor Christian Counseling – The Region’s Largest Clinical Christian Counseling Practice
Dads Works/Moms Work | Carroll Nonprofit Center
- Offers programs focusing on co-parenting, relationship skills, and anger management to improve family dynamics.
Carroll County Community Mediation Center:
- This center offers free mediation services for families to resolve conflicts.
- Carroll County Community Mediation Center: 410.848.1764
- To learn more: Community Mediation Center – Carroll Community College
Retrouvaille Program

💖 Prayer

Lord Jesus Christ, You permit suffering to be a part of every human life, but You will that our afflictions be fruitful and redemptive. Help us to receive the trials and sufferings of our married life in a truly Christian spirit: as a way of making up for our sins and of bringing down many graces upon ourselves and others. May we, as husband and wife, be present to each other during times of suffering; may we never willingly cause each other to suffer. Grant that Your love may strengthen us to resolve our conflicts, allowing us to grow together as one until death. Amen.

4 Catholic Prayers for a Troubled Marriage – Fairest Love Family Project

✝️ Practice

From: These Five Steps of Compassionate Problem Resolution Will Change Your Family – Catholic Counselors

In their practice and their educational ministries, Dr. Greg and Lisa Popcak teach parents Discipleship Discipline, a faith-based approach rooted in the insights of St. John Bosco. And they teach adults—such as couples seeking marriage counseling—a similar approach called Compassionate Problem Resolution (CPR). Both approaches involve the same basic steps.

“We’re teaching a way to give your children and yourselves the skills to really handle conflict and come to a really good resolution that draws you closer to each other and to God,” says Lisa Popcak.

Here are the five basic steps that can transform your family’s conflicts into opportunities for connection and spiritual growth.

Step 1: Identify the Problem Instead of Attacking the Person

Conflict is inevitable in any human relationship; even Jesus and his disciples had to cope with conflict. The key is how you approach that conflict. For most of us, our first response is to blame the other person.

“We have to blame (the problem) on somebody so that somebody can take responsibility and fix it,” Lisa Popcak explains. “And very often it leads to name calling, attacking, running the person down. And all of that doesn’t lead to any kind of solution and really does harm to our relationship.”

Instead of heading down that dead-end road, focus on identifying the real problem. Ask yourself or your conflict partner: “What’s really going on here?”

At the same time, it’s important to curb your (very natural) defensiveness by reminding yourself that your spouse or child isn’t intentionally trying to offend you or make your life miserable; ultimately, they are trying to meet some want or need. True, the way they are going about that might not be great, but acknowledging that the people we love are not acting with real malice toward us prepares the ground for step two.

Step 2: Identify the Positive Intention Behind the Behavior

The second step is to simply ask what your conflict partner was trying to do or accomplish. This is what the Popcaks call the “positive intention” behind your child or spouse’s behavior, which is different from the cause of the behavior.

For example, your spouse might have snapped at you rudely because they were under a lot of stress at work; your young child might be a cranky, whiny, hot mess because she is overtired. But those causes aren’t the same as what they are trying to get or do.

“Don’t overanalyze this,” Dr. Popcak says. It’s as simple as asking: “What were you trying to do? What was this person trying to do by behaving this way? Were they trying to solve a problem? Were they trying to express a feeling? Were they trying to tell me something that they need?”

It is critical to work with your child or spouse to identify their positive intention, Lisa Popcak says. “You’re not going off as mom or dad trying to puzzle this out for yourself and then telling your child what their positive intention was. You’re working with them,” she says. “You can guess at it. You can ask them leading questions to find out, but you’re checking along the way: ‘Is this what you were really doing this for? Is this the intention behind the action that you took?’”

Similarly, in a conflict with your spouse, the goal is to respectfully and compassionately work with him or her to identify what their positive want or need is.

Step 3: Explore More Virtuous Alternatives

Once you’ve identified the problem and understood the intention, it’s time to consider healthier, more virtuous ways to handle similar situations in the future.

“Now we’re saying, all right, the next time something like this comes up, how could we handle it differently? What are some alternatives that we could do to make this work better?” Dr. Popcak says.

Whether you are working with your spouse or your child, the key is to cooperatively brainstorm a better way of handling the situation.

Step 4: Repair and Reaffirm the Relationship

The next step is to “check in” on your relationship to make sure everything is good. In less serious conflicts, this might be as simple as offering a reassuring hug or finding another concrete way to show that you care about the other person.

In more serious situations, it might be necessary to do something to repair the harm that was done during the conflict. This could take the form of a sincere apology, or it could be something more concrete, like a child returning the toy he took from his sister. In any case, this step is all about reinforcing the relationship by showing, in words or actions, that you really care for one another.

Step 5: Reinforce the More Virtuous Way of Handling Things

The final step is to reinforce the more virtuous, loving way of handling needs and problems.

In Discipleship Discipline, the Popcaks advocate a “wraparound technique” in which parents check in with kids at the beginning of the day and the end of the day.

“In the morning when you’re getting up and you have your brief morning prayer time, you just say, ‘Hey, you remember when this situation comes up, we talked about how to handle it this way instead of what we were doing before?’” Dr. Popcak says. Then, you talk through the alternative approach you developed in step three. With kids, you might even role-play the new approach.

“And then, at the end of the day, you check in again,” Dr. Popcak continues. You ask how it went handling similar conflicts throughout the day, and then you problem-solve any challenges the child might have had.

The point of this daily practice is to help build up muscle memory, Lisa Popcak says, so that the next time a similar conflict arises, the more constructive approach can break through the intense emotions flooding the brain.

Spouses can benefit from this daily check-in, too. This might be as simple as asking at the end of the day, “How are you feeling about that thing that we talked about?”

“You’re trying to remind each other about the changes that you want to make,” Dr. Popcak says. “It’s a gentle way to create a structure that helps remind each other to do the new thing without nagging each other.”

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Hungry for More

Letter Seventeen: Family Conflict Resolution

Moral Authority

Col 3:18-19 Wives be subject to your husbands, as is fitting in the lord. Husbands, love your wives, and do not be harsh with them.

Catechism References

Vatican Documents

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Making the Connection

A Real-Life Example

Further Reading

Additional Reading Materials

Next Steps

Ready to Take the Next Step?

How can we commit to sexual self-control? Study, Prayer and Practice!

Common causes of family conflict include:

Core Principles for Resolution:

Services

Step 1: Identify the Problem Instead of Attacking the Person

Step 2: Identify the Positive Intention Behind the Behavior

Step 3: Explore More Virtuous Alternatives

Step 4: Repair and Reaffirm the Relationship

Step 5: Reinforce the More Virtuous Way of Handling Things

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