Quick Links: Letter, Hungry for More, Moral Authority, Making the Connection, Further Reading, Next Steps

What Submission is not

There is this horror movie made in 1975 called the “Stepford Wives” where a family moves into the New England Town of Stepford. The women of the town look absolutely perfect; they clean the house, joyfully cook meals and wash up afterward, never argue or complain, are completely obedient to their husbands, and lavishly and lustfully fulfill their every wish. There is a suspicious men’s club that the husband of this family joined, and it turns out that they turn their wives into robots. Of course, the suspense surrounds the wife of the family that just moves in; what will be her fate?

At first blush, this seems like a man’s paradise. It sure works for the men, and in their minds, their wives are happier as robots. Indeed, this caricature can be used by radical feminists to condemn the traditional roles of womanhood. But nothing could be farther from the biblical model of women in their role in the family.

What Submission is in the Church

This whole issue of submission fits into the larger issue of cosmology, that is, how we view the world, how it was constructed, and how it works. The Catholic worldview, based solidly on Scripture, is decidedly hierarchical. This means that God rules and distributes His grace to us, rarely directly, but most commonly through intermediaries. “For He [God] seems to do nothing of Himself which He can possibly delegate to His creatures.” We see this from the beginning when God created the heavens and the earth. The Hebrew word “heavens” (shamayim) is a dual meaning “two”; English has no dual so it has been translated plural. The dual suggests a two-tiered heaven, the lower heaven consisting of the great dome and the movable heavenly bodies, and the upper heaven consisting of the stars that seem immovable to the naked eye.

The upper heavens with the stars were also symbolic of the angelic realm, spirit beings functioning as messengers, created with the material realm, and meant to do God’s bidding. We know from Scripture that there is a hierarchy of angels through which God’s grace flows from top to bottom. Humanity is under the guardianship of angels, and God imparts grace upon us through angels.

In the Old Testament, God worked His saving grace through a priestly hierarchy. The High Priest was the human intermediary between God and humanity, and below him were the priests who assisted him, then the Levites who assisted the priests in liturgical work, and finally, the people. Of the people, the man, as husband and father, imparted both protection and grace to his family.

Clement of Rome, a sub-apostolic (second generation directly influenced by the apostles) father of the church, clearly identifies the hierarchy of the Church on this Old Testament model. The High Priest parallels the Bishop, the Priest parallels the Presbyter (the word from which we get our word “priest”), the Levite parallels the deacon, and then finally, the Hebrew people, which parallels the laity of the Church or the common priesthood of believers. It is clear that among the people, the man, as husband and father, imparts grace to his family as the “priest” of his household. Each position receives protection from the level above, and is imparted grace through the level above.

The Fall illustrates what happens when someone steps out from under the protection of the hierarchy. The Serpent went around Adam and directly attacked Eve. She stepped out from under her “umbrella” of protection and grace and became vulnerable. The same holds true in our culture. Despite all the action films exaggerating women’s physical powers, suggesting that women do not need the protection of men, this fantasy crumbles into the dust of hard reality. Women are more vulnerable than ever.

The truth is that everyone needs to be under authority. Children are protected and provided for by their mother and father. The mother and wife must be protected by the father through whom grace flows. The father is under the spiritual authority of the Church. It is within this sanctuary that Eve is free to fulfill her call as wife and mother. Far from being a “Stepford Wife,” she is free to blossom into her own individuality and feminine creativity, both at home and through whatever opportunities present themselves outside the home.

The rub comes when we consider God placing us all under flawed human authorities. No matter how Godly a husband might be, he is flawed. How does one submit to one who is flawed? It is inevitable that the husband will make mistakes. A wise husband will always take note of his wife’s intuitions, and the goal is always to talk things out with the goal of unity. The best authority is that which seeks harmony and leads with selfless love. We will touch on the acquired skill of conflict resolution in a future letter.

In the end, our trust in one another will correspond to our trust in God. We believe God bestows grace on us through others. It happens all the time when we ask people, or the angels and saints, to pray for us. It is through this humble submission that grace flows to us. The alternative is isolation with its cold, hard reality of exposure to a restless evil that always is looking for an opportunity to destroy.

At the same time, the Church recognizes that there are marital situations in which the proper ordering of authority and the flow of grace through it have been gravely distorted or broken. Where trust, protection, or self-giving love is absent, particularly in cases involving abuse or serious harm, the principles outlined here cannot be applied simplistically. Submission does not oblige one to remain vulnerable to injustice or danger. These exceptional and serious circumstances require distinct pastoral consideration, which we will address in future letters.

Proverbs 31: What it Looks like to be an Empowered Woman

In a previous letter, we briefly discussed wisdom personified as a woman in the Book of Proverbs. Here we will go deeper into her character and deeds, and we will call her “Lady Wisdom.” There can be no doubt that women are powerful. But what is the nature of this power in the context of her role of submission to her husband? The Book of Proverbs specifically addresses this issue. Lady Wisdom has a nemesis we call “Lady of the Evening.” In the first 9 chapters these two women are vying for the attention of the “simple.” It is clear from the context there is only one sort of man, the simple, that is, the seducible. The question for the man is, which woman will seduce him, Lady Wisdom or Lady of the Evening? The question for the woman is, which of these two women shall I become?

It is fascinating to compare these two women in the first 9 chapters of Proverbs. We find Lady Wisdom working the streets, addressing the simple and hating rejection (Proverbs 1:20-26). Her passion is to save men from Lady of the Evening (Proverbs 2:16-18). Lady Wisdom is more precious than rubies and nothing can compare with her. Indeed, she is the tree of life for those who embrace her (Proverbs 3: 13-18). Men are urged to love her, esteem her,and embrace her. She will then watch over them, exalt them, and honor them (Proverbs 4:6-9). Men must “drink” from their own cistern, that is, their own wife, Lady Wisdom, and be captivated by her love ( Proverbs 4: 15-19).

We find Lady Wisdom calling from the high places and standing at the city gates, again addressing the simple. Her mouth utters truth, straight words. Again, she is better than rubies, and nothing can compare with her. She loves those who love her (Proverbs Chapter 8). She sets a feast, and invites all the simple from the highest point of the city (Proverbs 9: 1-6).

Lady of the Evening is the dark side of the feminine power. Her lips are like honey, as opposed to Lady Wisdom’s mouth that speaks the truth; her feet go down to hell, while Lady Wisdom exalts. Why would the simple be captivated by Lady of the Evening? Why embrace her? (Proverbs 5:3-6, 20-23) The simple are warned not to be captivated by her eyes. (Proverbs 6:24f) In chapter 7 we have what may be called the “great seduction”. (Proverbs 7: 6-18). The drama is intense: Lady of the Evening approaches the simple, works the streets, is even “religious,” paying her vows. With her smooth talk she captures her prey, taking him down with her to the chambers of the dead. (Proverbs 7: 6-18) Like Lady Wisdom, she is seated at the high places, addressing the simple. “Stolen waters are sweet” for those who are led away from their own cistern, but her guests are the dead (Proverbs 9: 13-18), as opposed to the feast of the living that Lady Wisdom sets.

There is no doubting the power of women. But how does this look practically in the home? To find out we must go to Chapter 31, the final chapter of Proverbs. Indeed, Lady Wisdom emerges here as the majestic climax of this great book. It begins with the question, “Who can find a woman of virtue?” (Proverbs 31: 10) The Hebrew here is ‵ēšet – ḥayîl and may best be translated “a woman of power,” ḥayîl being a word elsewhere associated with the might of warriors and instruments of war. The question of “who can find” takes us back to chapters 3:13, 3:15, and 8:11, where we read, “Happy is the man who finds wisdom.” (Proverbs 3: 13, 15) (Proverbs 8:11) This power woman is more precious than jewels, as is Lady Wisdom. This power woman is creative and productive (Proverbs 31: 18) like Lady Wisdom (Proverbs 3: 14). When the power woman opens her mouth wisdom comes forth, just like Lady Wisdom. Her children rise up and call her blessed, taking us back to the words, “blessed are those who find wisdom.” The power woman is praised for doing that which is “ḥayîl” (Proverbs 31: 29), which not only includes caring for her family but also for the needy, making major business deals and planting vineyards. She fears the Lord (Proverbs 31: 30), taking us back to the foundational idea in Proverbs; “the fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom”. (Proverbs 1: 7, 29) Wisdom demands to be incarnate, and it is incarnated in a flesh and blood woman.

This may seem daunting to any woman! Who can measure up? But everything is daunting when it comes to Jesus and His high calling on our lives. Again, perfection is a trajectory, and orientation toward greatness, not a destination achieved. A man seduced by a “power woman” will be in awe of her, and will have no desire at all to dominate her, but give her room to blossom and flourish in the home. If he does, then he will become successful. Indeed, his very success depends upon her support, as God originally designed her to be a “help” to her husband. His heart will trust her and will have no lack of gain (Proverbs 31: 11). By embracing her he will be embracing wisdom herself, and both he and she will become known in the “gate,” the cultural center of the town. (cf. Proverbs 31: 23, 31)

Moral Authority

Gen 2: 18-24 Then the Lord God said, “It is not good that man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him.” So out of the ground the Lord God formed every beast of the field and every bird of the air, and brought them to man to see what he would call them; and whatever man called every living creature, that was its name. The man gave names to all cattle, and to the birds of the air, and to every beast of the field; but for man there was not found a helper fit for him. So the Lord God caused a deep sleep to fall upon the man, and while he slept, took one of his ribs and closed up its space with flesh; and the rib which the Lord God had taken from the man, he made into a woman and brought her to the man. Then the man said,

“This at last is bone of my bones And flesh of my flesh; She shall be called Woman, Because she was taken out of Man.” Therefore, a man leaves his father and mother and clings to his wife, and they become one flesh.

Catechism References

489 Throughout the Old Covenant the mission of many holy women prepared for that of Mary. At the very beginning, there was Eve; despite her disobedience, she received the promise of a posterity that would be victorious over the evil one, as well as the promise that she would be the mother of all the living. By virtue of this promise, Sarah conceives a son in spite of her old age. Against all human expectation, God chooses those who were considered powerless and weak to show forth his faithfulness to his promises: Hannah, the mother of Samuel; Deborah; Ruth; Judith and Esther; and many other women. Mary “stands out among the poor and humble of the Lord, who confidently hope for and receive salvation from him. After a long period of waiting, the times are fulfilled in her, the exalted Daughter of Sion, and the new plan of salvation is established.”

Vatican Documents

Vatican documents, particularly from the Second Vatican Council and the pontificate of John Paul II, present Eve as the first woman created to complement Adam, forming “one flesh” as the foundational unit of the family (Gen 2: 18-24). While she is associated with the Fall, she is primarily recognized as the mother of all the living and, through typological interpretation, as the precursor to Mary, the “New Eve,” whose obedience unties the knot of Eve’s disobedience.

Key themes regarding Eve’s role in the family from Church documents include:

Original Unity and Complementarity: Eve is created as a partner to Adam, with whom she forms a communion of life and love. She is integral to the divine plan of marriage and the family.
The “Mother of All Living”: The Catholic Encyclopedia identifies Eve’s primary, positive role as the progenitor of humanity, a title that highlights her role in bringing forth life ( Gen 3:20).
Co-Creator with God: Alongside Adam, Eve is entrusted with the work of procreation, making them co-workers with God in the creation of life.
The Fall and Original Sin: The Catechism of the Catholic Church outlines that Eve, along with Adam, fell into temptation, leading to the loss of original holiness for humanity.
Typology (The New Eve): The Second Vatican Council’s Lumen Gentium (61) notes that Mary is the “New Eve,” who undoes the disobedience of the first Eve through her faith.

For more in-depth exploration, Familiaris Consortio (1981) offers extensive teaching on the development, and role of the family from a biblical perspective, reflecting on the original plan of creation.

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Making the Connection

A Real-Life Example

The Graceful Dance of Louis and Zelie Martin, parents of St. Thérèse of Lisieux

In the quiet town of Alençon, France, during the early 19th century, a marriage began that would eventually shape the lives of saints. Louis Martin, a man of steady disposition and gentle faith, met Zelie Guerin, a woman whose energy, creativity, and entrepreneurial spirit shone in everything she did. Both were devout Catholics, and both felt a deep call to live their faith authentically, yet they came to their union with very different gifts. What united them, however, was a shared love for God and a mutual respect that would turn their marriage into something extraordinary—a living example of grace flowing through complementary gifts.

From the beginning, it was clear that Louis and Zelie had different natural strengths. Louis was reflective, patient, and careful. He found joy in order, in measured thought, and in being a steady presence in the lives of those he loved. Zelie, by contrast, had a keen business sense and a sparkling creativity that drew people to her. She ran a successful lace-making workshop and managed both her employees and her home with energy and skill. At first glance, one might have thought their differences would clash. But like partners learning to dance, Louis and Zelie discovered how to move in harmony.

Their early marriage required learning the rhythm of each other’s gifts. Louis recognized that Zelie’s keen mind and artistic intuition were not threats to his role as husband, but opportunities to be enriched. Zelie learned that Louis’ patience and reflective nature were not rigidity or weakness, but a stabilizing force that allowed her creativity to flourish. Together, they found a rhythm in which both communicated through their talents, with each stepping forward when their gifts were called for, and yielding graciously when the other’s strengths were needed. This was not a rigid hierarchy nor a transactional arrangement; it was a mutual cooperation rooted in faith, respect, and love.

Daily life became their dance floor. They shared household responsibilities, parenting duties, and the practical demands of Zelie’s lace business. Louis would help with children and home affairs when needed, offering guidance and protection, while Zelie would manage the workshop and the family’s social obligations, bringing life and warmth to every encounter. They did not compete for authority; instead, they learned how to listen and signal in order to lead and follow harmoniously. When conflicts arose, as they naturally do in any marriage, they approached each other with patience and humility, seeking dialogue rather than dominance. They prayed together, trusting God to guide them in their decisions. Their marriage was a testament to the fact that grace flows through cooperative, complementary relationships, not coercion or power.

One of the most profound expressions of their harmony was in the raising of their children. Zelie’s daughters learned the beauty and strength of womanhood through her example, witnessing a woman who was devout, industrious, and full of life. Her sons learned to respect women by observing Louis’ loving and patient treatment of her. Together, Louis and Zelie modeled for their children the rhythm of a marriage where gifts were freely offered and lovingly received, echoing the relationship of Christ and His Church. Their home became a sanctuary in which faith was not simply taught but lived, through acts of kindness, prayer, and the everyday flow of ordinary life.

Their family was not untouched by hardship. Of the nine children they bore, only five survived infancy. Zelie struggled with health issues, including the cancer that would eventually take her life, and Louis faced his own trials of responsibility and grief. Yet even in sorrow, their dance continued. They leaned on each other, offering support, encouragement, and prayer. Louis respected the deep mystery of Zelie’s end of life suffering; he stood beside her with steadfast love. Zelie, in turn, trusted in Louis’ guidance, knowing that his patience and reflection were part of God’s provision for their family. Their unity in trials reflected the reality that marriage, like life, is often challenging, yet the flow of grace can sustain relationships, even in the most difficult circumstances.

What made their marriage exceptional was the perfection of their intentionality. They deliberately oriented their marriage toward God. Every decision, from business matters to parenting, was approached with prayer. They invited the sacraments into their lives as vital sources of grace: frequent Mass, devotion to the Sacred Heart, and Confession helped them temper pride, cultivate humility, and renew their love. Their love for God translated naturally into a love for each other and for their children, illustrating that the spiritual rhythm of a household sets the pace for harmony and growth.

Louis and Zelie also exemplified the principles of leadership and cooperation in subtle, practical ways. Louis led through service and prayerful decision-making, protecting his family and offering guidance without domination. Zelie followed his lead by responding through her own skills of initiative, creativity, and nurturing, bringing life and joy into the home and work. They demonstrated that leadership is not a matter of rigid hierarchy but of discerning the needs of the moment and responding with love. Their dance was dynamic, an interplay between two partners who must continuously adapt to each other, and the beauty came from their mutual attentiveness, respect, and responsiveness.

Perhaps the clearest illustration of their cooperative grace was in the example they set for the next generation. Their daughter, Thérèse, would become St. Thérèse of Lisieux, a Doctor of the Church. She often wrote about how the example of her parents’ marriage inspired her understanding of love and devotion to God. She witnessed firsthand a marriage where gifts were harmonized, authority was exercised in love, and each spouse supported the other’s vocation and calling. This living witness of grace flowing through complementary roles became a formative lesson not just for their children but for countless Catholics who study the Martins’ lives.

Their marriage also reminds us that a faithful, grace-filled relationship requires humility, patience, and prayer. Their reliance on God is precisely what perfected their steps. They recognized the limits of human ability and leaned into divine guidance. Like Christ with the Church, their union was characterized by mutual respect, self-giving love, and fidelity, creating a home in which God’s grace could flow freely.

In the end, the story of Louis and Zelie Martin illustrates every point of the letter. It shows how husbands and wives can honor each other’s gifts, cooperate in daily life, and navigate conflicts with patience and humility. It models Christ-centered leadership and loving submission, not as rigid roles or power structures, but as a living, dynamic partnership rooted in prayer and virtue. Their marriage teaches that true marital harmony is achieved through the perfection of an upward orientation or trajectory to Christ, as demonstrated by intentional love, attentive cooperation, and openness to grace. In doing so, they invite every Catholic couple to see their marriage as a reflection of the eternal dance of love between Christ and His Bride—the Church.

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Next Steps

Ready to Take the Next Step?

How can we commit to sexual self-control? Study, Prayer and Practice!

📖 Study

To best understand the model we aspire to, Christ in relationship with his bride, the Church, reflect on the following passages that explicitly compare Christ and the Church.

Ephesians 5:21–33

Explains the marital relationship as a reflection of Christ’s love for the Church.
Key themes: self-giving love, sacrificial leadership, mutual submission rooted in love.

Revelation 19:7–9; 21:2

Depicts the Church as the Bride of Christ, highlighting faithfulness, union, and joy in the covenant.

Song of Songs

Celebrates love, desire, and relational intimacy, offering a spiritual lens for marital affection and complementarity.

Proverbs 31:10–31

Offers an example of a virtuous woman, balancing household, family, and societal responsibilities—illustrating complementary gifts and grace-filled leadership.

💖 Prayer

Two prayer options are offered. Women can pray as wives and mothers to follow Mary’s example or couples can pray together to follow the model of Christ and his Bride, the Church.

Prayer of a Wife and Mother to the Blessed Virgin

O Mary, most pure and immaculate Virgin, chaste Spouse of St. Joseph, most tender Mother of Jesus, perfect model of wives and mothers; I turn to Thee filled with respect and confidence. With the deepest sentiments of veneration, I cast myself at thy feet and implore thy help. Behold, O purest Mary, my needs and the needs of my family. Heed the desires of my heart, for it is to thy most tender and kind heart that I entrust them. I hope, through thine intercession, to obtain from Jesus the grace to conscientiously fulfil my obligations as a wife and mother. Obtain for me a holy fear of God, a love for work and good deeds, for holy things and for prayer, sweetness, patience and wisdom – all the virtues that the Apostle recommends for Christian women, and that constitute the happiness and adornment of families.

Teach me to honour my husband, as Thou didst honour St. Joseph, and as the Church honours Jesus Christ; may he find in me a wife according to his heart, and may the holy union we contracted on earth endure eternally in Heaven. Protect my husband and guide him along the path of goodness and justice, because his happiness is as dear to me as my own. I also entrust my poor children to thy maternal heart. Be their Mother; incline their hearts to piety, do not permit them to stray from the path of virtue and grant them happiness. Remind them to pray to God for their father and mother after our deaths; may they honour our memory with their virtues. Tender Mother, make them devout, charitable and always good Christians, so that their lives, filled with good works, may be crowned by a holy death. O Mary, grant that all of us may one day be reunited in Heaven, there to contemplate thy glory, celebrate thy gifts, enjoy thy love, and eternally praise thy beloved Son, Jesus Christ, our Lord. Amen.

Prayer that Dona Lucilia was accustomed to recite after her marriage

Catholic Prayer: Married Couple’s Prayer to the Sacred Heart

O most Sacred Heart of Jesus, King and center of all hearts, dwell in our hearts and be our King; grant us by Your grace to love each other truly and chastely, even as You have loved Your spotless Bride, the Church, and have given Yourself up for her.

Bestow upon us that mutual love and Christian forbearance which are so highly acceptable in Your sight, and a mutual patience in bearing each other’s defects; for we are certain that no living creature is free from them. Do not permit even the slightest defect to mar that full and gentle harmony of spirit, the foundation of the mutual assistance in the many and varied hardships of life, that is the end for which woman was created and united inseparably to her husband.

** O Lord God, grant that between us there may reign a perpetual holy rivalry toward a life perfectly Christian, by virtue of which there may shine forth more and more clearly the divine image of Your mystic union with Your Holy Church, as You have deigned to imprint it upon us on the auspicious day of our being made one.

Grant, we beseech You, that our good example of Christian living may serve as a powerful inspiration to our children to conform their own lives to Your holy law; and finally, after this exile may we ascend into heaven, where by the help of Your grace, for which we earnestly pray, we may merit to be joined with our children forever and praise and bless You through everlasting ages, Amen.

(**If there are no children, the prayer from this point reads: O Lord God, grant that between us there may reign a perpetual holy rivalry toward a life perfectly Christian, by virtue of which there may shine forth more and more clearly the divine image of Your mystic union with Your Holy Church, as You have deigned to imprint it upon us on the auspicious day of our being made one, and so living, may both of us ascend into heaven, and merit to praise You and bless You forever. Amen.)

Prayer Source: Family for Families, The by Francis L. Filas, S.J., The Bruce Publishing Company, Milwaukee, Wisconsin, 1947

✝️ Practice

A marriage models Christ’s relationship with the Church when both spouses freely offer their gifts and cooperate in love, creating a harmony that is greater than the sum of its parts. We are even bold enough to say that the “dance” is perfection as we have come to understand our lofty call in life; through an attentive, prayerful responsiveness to one another in the rhythm of grace, we achieve an upward orientation.

1. Understand and Appreciate Each Other’s Gifts

Men: Recognize the unique ways your wife contributes to the home and family—emotional insight, intuition, nurturing, creativity, and relational connection.
Women: Recognize the unique ways your husband contributes—protection, initiative, rational problem-solving, and leadership rooted in service.
Together: Take time to affirm each other’s gifts regularly; gratitude reinforces cooperation rather than competition.

2. Communicate Like Partners on the Dance Floor

Listen actively: Before trying to lead, understand your partner’s perspective.
Give and take: Decide together who will initiate or guide specific areas—discipline, finances, spiritual practices—according to natural strengths and mutual agreement.
Avoid “stepping on toes”: Criticism or micromanaging disrupts harmony. Correction should be gentle, done with love, and received with openness.

3. Lead and Follow with Mutual Respect

Husbands: Lead in a manner consistent with Christ’s example—selflessly, sacrificially, prayerfully. Leadership is service, not control.
Wives: Follow with trust, insight, and collaboration, offering wisdom and intuition that help the family flourish.
Shared rhythm: The wife must be free to express her strengths (emotional, relational, creative), and the husband must acknowledge, embrace, and praise her gifts; the key is flexibility rooted in love.

4. Live Compatibly in Daily Life

Practical cooperation: Household chores, parenting, planning schedules, spiritual practices—all can reflect complementary gifts.
Parenting example: Mothers model womanhood for daughters, relational skills for sons; fathers model sacrificial love and respect for women.
Household decisions: Divide responsibilities according to gifts and calling, not rigid gender roles.

5. Anchor the Dance in Christ

Pray together daily; place your marriage under Christ’s leadership.
Receive the sacraments frequently—Confession to cleanse pride and resentment, Eucharist to receive grace to love selflessly.
Model the marriage as a living sign of Christ’s love for the Church: mutual self-giving, fidelity, and sacrificial love.

6. Handle Conflict Gracefully

Conflicts are part of the dance; they are not failures but opportunities to adjust rhythm.
Pause, pray, and return to dialogue in humility.
Avoid “winning”; aim for reconciliation and understanding, reflecting Christ’s patience and forgiveness.

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Making the Connection

A Real-Life Example

The Graceful Dance of Louis and Zelie Martin, parents of St. Thérèse of Lisieux

Further Reading

Additional Reading Materials

Next Steps

Ready to Take the Next Step?

How can we commit to sexual self-control? Study, Prayer and Practice!

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